Ahimsa Mama

I've Moved!

2011-04-23T09:52:00.001-04:00

Life has taken me on many twists and turns lately, and blogging has, unfortunately, fallen to the bottom of my priority list. However, with spring has come a new commitment to exploring and sharing my Humane Parenting journey, and I hope that you will join my on the journey over at my new blog!

Can't wait to see you there!

My Other Blogging Projects

2011-01-04T16:19:00.000-05:00

I've been focusing on some other blogging projects lately, and it seems that I am unable to attend to more than one or two at a time.

So check me out as occasional blogger at the Humane Connection and Rhythms, The Blog of Wellspring Community School.

Interview With Zoe Weil

2010-09-28T10:44:00.005-04:00

Recently, I got the chance to interview Zoe Weil, President and co-founder of the Institute for Humane Education and author of Above All, Be Kind: Raising a Humane Child in Challenging Times. Here is what she had to say about being a Humane Parent.

K: How would you define Humane Parenting? What are some of the goals of Humane Parents as you see them?

Z: Actually, I’ve never defined humane parenting or considered the goals of ‘humane parents,’ because what I’ve focused on is using the tools of humane education to raise humane kids, which I write about in my book Above All, Be Kind. I feel more comfortable sharing my experiences as a humane educator with people who want to give their children the tools and motivation to be humane rather than try to define what humane parenting looks like. With that said, to me humane parents are simply people with children who actively cultivate the best qualities of human beings (one of the definitions of the word humane) and model these qualities for their kids. The actual tools of a humane educator are key to raising a humane child. They are to:
• Provide information about the issues of our time in age appropriate ways so that our children have knowledge about the effects of their everyday choices
• Foster the 3 Cs of curiosity, creativity, and critical thinking, so that they are good learners and thinkers, able to make wise decisions
• Instill the 3 Rs of reverence (in our young children), respect (in the middle years) and responsibility (as teens) so that they become compassionate choicemakers and engaged changemakers for a better world
• Offer positive choices and the tools for problem solving so they can make a difference.

K: What is the biggest challenge that you have faced as an activist when it comes to raising your son?

The biggest challenge by far is living in a culture that does not support, foster, or encourage many of my values and actively undermines them at every turn. Whether it’s TV, violent and sexist movies, music, and videogames, inhumane, unhealthy, and unsustainable foods marketed to my son, or rampant materialism, I feel like society presents enormous hurdles to humane living and raising humane children.

K: What are the biggest lessons you have learned during your Humane Parenting journey?

Z: Again, I wouldn’t call it humane parenting, mostly because I have felt so humbled by being a mother and would, in retrospect, change many of the ways in which I parented my son, but here are the two biggest lessons I’ve learned as a parent trying to raise a humane child:

The culture in which our children live exerts enormous power over their desires and behaviors which we cannot fully prevent.
It’s important to back off and let our children make their own choices in age appropriate ways, even if they are different from ours, and to honor and love them for their independent thought.

K: Have you found that you have any personality quirks that most interfere with your goals as a parent?

Z: Oh my, yes! Although I try to cultivate the best qualities of human beings, and do well in some arenas like loyalty, compassion, honesty, and perseverance, I’m also impatient, reactive, stubborn, and fairly controlling. These definitely interfere with my goals as a parent!

K: I am interested in the tension between cultivating a sense of responsibility to the world at large in our children and our desire as parents to help our children grow into the person they are meant to be. Have you found this to be an issue, and if so, how have you come to terms with the conflict?

Z: A few years ago I was leading a humane education training workshop and my son, who was 13 at the time, came to the end of it in time to participate in an activity we call “Spectrum.” In this activity, I place four cards down on the floor which have “I” statements on them indicating behavior choices along a spectrum. I ask people to stand in front of or between the card or cards that best represent them. There are four sets of these four cards, one on animal issues, one on environmental issues, one on social justice issues, and one on consumerism issues. The purpose of the activity is multifold. First, it’s interesting for people to realize that while they may have made some choices, like being vegan, not buying products tested on animals, adopting dogs and cats from shelters, and so on, that are kind to animals, they may be making other choices such as living in a big house, driving an SUV, having more than 2 children, that have a negative impact on the environment. It’s humbling to realize that our righteousness is not warranted when we see others who are making a big effort in another arena that we aren’t so “evolved” about. The other goal is to notice the changes one has made over the years. I’ll ask where they would have stood on the spectrum five years earlier. Almost everyone has moved further to the more sustainable, compassionate, peaceful end over those years (not surprising since these are people who’ve come to our workshop!).

When my son participated, he was further into the consumptive end of the consumerism spectrum and had moved away from his vegan upbringing on one end of the animal spectrum. While everyone else had moved toward more compassionate lifestyles, he’d moved away from his upbringing. People asked him why, and he was quite forthright in saying that it was just easier and more convenient and his desires sometimes trumped his values.

At that moment I could have felt a bit embarrassed. After all, I was leading the workshop and here was my son no longer living according to the values I’d raised him with. But I didn’t feel embarrassed. I actually felt proud of him and of myself. I was glad that despite being raised by an often overbearing, rigid parent who believes certain things are right and wrong and we should do this and that, he felt comfortable being himself, being different, and being honest about who he was. I guarantee that there were adults in that group who weren’t honest about where they were on the Spectrum because there’s a lot of pressure to conform to the “humane ideal” in this situation, but my son wasn’t one of them. He was not belligerent or standoffish in any way; he was well-spoken, friendly, and fine with being who he was, different from his mother. I felt like I’d done a good job of raising a polite child with a strong sense of self who could speak his truth – even if it differed from mine. When it was over, he draped his arm around me. I knew he was proud of me, too, even though we were sometimes making different choices.

K: What has been the payoff of your efforts at Humane Parenting? Do you have a specific story to tell about your son that illustrates the qualities you have tried to cultivate in him?

Z: My son is very honest. This is a curse as well as a blessing because I often know more than I want to know! He is also fiercely loyal, compassionate, and incredibly generous. For the past few years he’s been a significant donor to my organization, the Institute for Humane Education (IHE). Two years ago, I was sitting at my desk and he walked in and handed me a tiny scrap of paper. On it was a little drawing. I didn’t know what it was but he wouldn’t tell me. He made me figure it out. Finally I realized it was the first drawing in a treasure hunt. I found the next drawing and the next and so on traversing every corner of the house until I found the treasure: $150 for IHE.

The Institute for Humane Education is offering a month-long online course called Raising a Humane Child starting next Monday, October 4. I was able to participate in a pilot version of the course and can tell you that it is well worth the time and will transform the way you view your parenting. Please head on over and enroll - and tell them Ahimsa Mama sent you!

I am a scholar-turned-mother/activist who is interested in sustainable living and social justice. I have published a number of articles and given presentations internationally on the topics of voluntary simplicity and humane parenting. Learn more at my website www.beautifulfriendships.net

The Paradox of The Peace Book

2010-09-21T18:04:00.008-04:00

I've always liked Todd Parr books. I think his bright and colorful illustrations are engaging for young children, if not particularly aesthetically pleasing to me. I like the simple language and the positive message he usually imparts.

One of my favorites has always been The Peace Book. I love the way he makes the idea of ensuring clothing, food and shelter for all accessible to young children, and I like that it includes a diversity of people (even if some of them are blue).

Last night, though, I heard my husband reading this book to my kids and all of a sudden, I was struck by this inconsistency:

Does that fish look free to you? Does he?

See, this is why I need to start writing children's books.

Blogging on Gender Issues

2010-09-20T20:00:00.003-04:00

Photo courtesy of flickr user taberandrew

Check out my recent post on Your (Wo)Man In Washington on the issue of college loans and gender equity:

According to the College Board report Trends in College Pricing, "Reductions in revenue from sources other than tuition, particularly state and local appropriations in the public sector, are associated with rapidly rising public college tuition levels in recent years." So here is yet another instance where government spending decisions have a greater negative impact on the economic security of women as compared to men. When are we, as a country, going to step up and show our support for the mothers, sisters, aunts, and daughters who care for us?

Read the whole thing here.

Humane Parenting Twitter Party Tonight!

2010-09-14T17:16:00.003-04:00

Photo courtesy of flickr user woodleywonderworks

Okay, so it's short notice, but...

If you're around at 10 pm (Eastern time) tonight, please tune in for a humane parenting Twitter party featuring Zoe Weil, President and co-founder of the Institute for Humane Education, author of Above All, Be Kind: Raising a Humane Child in Challenging Times, and a friend and mentor of mine. I will be interviewing her on Ahimsa Mama next week in anticipation of the Institute's Raising a Humane Child e-course next month!

Look for #holisticmoms, and hope to see you there!

Tips for Moderating the Morning Mayhem

2010-09-11T17:36:00.000-04:00

I am reading The World Needs Your Kid: Raising Children Who Care and Contribute by Craig Kielburger (from Free the Children), Marc Kielburger and Shelley Page. It's pretty good - I'll be posting a review of it when I'm done.

One thing that caught my eye is that the first of their "100 Tips to Raise Global Citizens" is:

Early to Rise. Set the alarm twenty minutes early to avoid the morning rush. With luck, you'll spend less time hustling your kids out the door and more time checking in with them about the day ahead. Connecting leads to caring.

So true! I have come to the same conclusion - when I rush in the morning, I get impatient. When I am impatient, I am not the kind of mom I want to be, and it sets me up for a less-than-ideal day.

However, I've taken a different route to achieving harmony in the mornings. I don't mind getting up early - in fact, I often set my alarm for an hour before I really need to be moving - but I don't like to get the kids up even one minute earlier than I have to. I find that squeezing every minute of rest out of them that I possibly can is in everyone's best interest. So, instead, I've decided to do as much preparation for the coming day as I can the night before.

After baths, when the kids are in their pj's and winding down with a book or some other quiet play (or loud, running play!) I try to accomplish the following:

1. Shower. I know this doesn't work for everyone - my husband can't start his day without a shower in the morning - but for me it has made all the difference.

2. Set out my clothes for the next day. This way, I get out of bed, brush my hair, get dressed, and - voila! - I'm ready to rock and roll in less than five minutes! I also get Harry's clothes ready the night before. As for Bess' clothes...

3. Have Bess set out her clothes for the next day. We set up a little morning task station in her room with a mirror, a few hooks for her clothes, and a list of things she needs to do (see photo above). This has eliminated quite a bit of morning conflict since any ~~arguing~~ negotiating about wardrobe has already been done.

4. Make lunch. I know a lot of moms like to send their kids to school with a warm lunch, but for me, that's just too much trouble in the morning. Instead, when I'm putting away dinner, I make the next day's lunch at the same time, which often includes leftovers. I also often try to set up some snacks for Harry's morning while I'm at it.

5. Crock pot breakfasts! This one has been a new addition to the repertoire, and is my favorite tip for making the mornings run more smoothly. I like to give my kids a hearty, warm breakfast, but even something as simple as instant oatmeal can take more time than I'm willing to spare. So now, I set up a simple crock pot breakfast the night before and either turn it on last thing before bed or have John turn it on when he's turning in for the night (he works nights so this is convenient for us), but really, even if you set an alarm to get up and flip the switch at 2 am, I think it still saves you sleep and energy in the long run.

What are your tips for making the morning a prelude to a great day?

I am a scholar-turned-mother/activist who is interested in sustainable living and social justice. I have published a number of articles and given presentations internationally on the topics of voluntary simplicity and humane parenting. Learn more at my website www.beautifulfriendships.net.

Safety at What Cost?

2010-09-09T19:41:00.003-04:00

This past weekend we attended a Scandinavian Festival at a local park. The playground was unlike most of the other (plastic, ultra-safe) playgrounds in our area. This one had things like swings with chains, metal monkey bars, and seesaws, none of which can be found at many, if any, parks these days, at least around here, though when we've traveled I've noticed that they are more common in other areas. I guess the risk of lawsuits and intolerance for any level of risk whatsoever are pretty extreme here.

I must say, I felt a little uneasy with my kids playing around the seesaws, afraid that they would get "cherry bombed" or whacked in the face as they tried to maneuver on and off. As I tried to assure myself that I managed to survive my childhood despite many hours spent seesawing with my sister and neighborhood friends, I watched with interest as the kids tried to figure the whole thing out. As pretty young children, we were able to negotiate the physics of levers pretty easily, figuring out who needed to sit where to make the whole thing work.

These kids did not have this fundamental understanding of the physical world. I watched as parents tried to explain it - but it isn't something that can be explained, at least not easily. It needs to be experienced. And when we strip down our kids' experiences to include only that are without risk, we also deprive them of so many opportunities to learn about themselves and about the world.

So, I'm certainly not advocating that we throw all caution to the wind. I'm all for airbags and carseats and seatbelts and all that kind of thing - but I think some sort of cost/benefit analysis is in order. What are we willing to sacrifice in order to protect our kids from some bumps and bruises?

Wordless Wednesday

2010-09-08T14:44:00.007-04:00

I know I'm a couple days early for my photo post, but this is just too precious not to share:

I am breaking my promise to myself to never become one of those mommy bloggers who just gushes about how cute her kids are - but seriously? Bess reading bedtime stories to Harry? Does it get any better than this?

I am considering moments like these to be my reward for my attachment-style parenting. ;)

First Day of School

2010-09-07T17:17:00.004-04:00

Today was Bess' first day of Primary 1, which is the first step of Kindergarten at Wellspring Community School. To hear her tell it, today was not, in fact, the first day of school because they only spent an hour there. But during that hour they selected their symbols (which are used to identify the students to pre-readers - Bess selected a ladybug in honor of her friend Claire who is not attending Wellspring this year) and examined the new and improved layout of the classroom. Not only that, but they identified things that were the same as last year with an S and things that were different, which was almost everything, with a D. So they worked on some phonics and letter recognition in addition to reacclimating themselves to the environment.

It is not a short trip to overstimulated for Bess, but today she was just out of control excited. She LOVES school, and could not wait to see her teacher Anne and her friends, and to meet some new friends too. We constantly have the discussion in our home whether private school is worth the money when we live in such a "good, high-achieving" school district. That was, in fact, one of the reasons we chose to move to this particular town when we moved almost six years ago. Since then, though, my thinking about school and its goals (actual and ideal) has changed quite a bit. For me, right now, yes - it is worth every penny. It is worth it for my daughter to learn in a close-knit community where they learn about cooperation and responsibility to a group in addition to the academics, for her to be excited to go to school and excited to learn new things, to be excited to show her friends a beautiful spider web on the fence complete with a meal-in-waiting for the architect of the web.

Would she gain these things in public school. Maybe. But then I would have lot less control over who she spends so much of her time with, and her experience would be much more variable from year to year. In some ways that could be good, I guess, but for a child who does not deal with transition and direction that well I think it would probably do more harm than good. For now, I'm so, so happy to be where we are.

Lookie Here!

2010-09-06T20:23:00.000-04:00

Here's our family photo for the upcoming school year!

I'm scrambling trying to get ready for the first day of school tomorrow, but if you're looking for some Ahimsa Mama reading, check this out on the Education Revolution blog - a plug for my thesis, which can now be found on the Institute for Humane Education's website!

Most parents have a shared interest in nurturing a just, compassionate, peaceful, sustainable world for their children, and raising children who are kind, conscientious, happy and healthy can be a special challenge in today’s world. Passionate about humane parenting and seeking shared support and connection, IHE M.Ed. graduate Kelly Coyle DiNorcia dedicated her Independent Learning Project (ILP) to creating a handbook for parents of young children (ages 18-36 months) to help them raise children with a humane ethic toward other people, other animals, and the earth.

According to Kelly, her handbook “guides parents, other family members, and other caregivers through the five elements of Humane Parenting….Specific techniques for dealing with common parenting concerns such as food choices, gift-giving occasions, literature and media selections, and teaching children about diversity are given. The handbook concludes with a list of suggested books, periodicals, weblogs and organizations that parents are encouraged to consult for more information.”

Click the link below to download (The handbook begins on page 27 of the PDF file.).

http://humaneeducation.org/documents/view/279

Swing on over and give it a look!

Sunday Link Love

2010-09-05T16:06:00.000-04:00

Some of my favorites from around the web these past couple of weeks

Is "Clicktivism" Ruining Activism? :: New Society Publishers Blog
Kind Kids: Getting Children to be Helpful Might be Easier Than We Think :: Greater Good
Everything on The Artful Parent :: especially Empowering Our Daughters Through Non-Traditional Princess Books, Connecting Children's Art at Creativity, and Peace Through Art? The International Child Art Foundation Says Yes!
Waldorf Thoughts :: Young in the Mountains

Have a great day!

It was the best of outings, it was the worst of outings...

2010-09-04T12:20:00.002-04:00

We spent last weekend in Rochester, New York, and while John worked I planned fun and exciting things to do with the kids. I feel like it isn't fair to drag them along on these trips unless I make it about them, at least a little bit.

On Friday we visited the Strong National Museum of Play, which I've been looking forward to since we missed it on our last trip.

It was everything I hoped it would be - in fact, I'd say it is worth a trip to Rochester in and of itself if you're a children's museum addict like I am!

There was so much to do for kids of all ages, and things were very reasonably priced. There was an area with all sorts of cooperative games, which kids of all ages could participate in.

There is a fairy tale room, a Sesame Street room, a butterfly garden, a superhero room, a Berenstain Bears room, a classic toy museum upstairs, a train ride and a carousel, cozy reading nooks and books all over the place...I could go on and on, but better you go see it for yourself! Bess describes it as "the coolest place ever!" and I am inclined to agree with her.

Then, instead of following my instincts to go back there on Saturday, I decided to take the kids to Seneca Park Zoo.

I've written before about my zoo ambivalence, but yet I still find myself going back - sort of like taking both kids into Manhattan or eating deep fried Oreos, I need to do it every once in awhile to remind myself why I don't like to do it.

First of all, the setup was really weird. It was long and narrow, so it was a long walk out to see the furthest (and coolest) animals, and a loooooong walk back. Harry chose that day to express his terrible two-ness, and let me assure you, dragging a screaming toddler outside in the heat around is not so much fun. In fact, I'm noticing a pattern here - Harry was miserable the last time we went to a zoo, too. Hmmmmm...

Anyway, the zoo is not one of the better ones around. The enclosures are small and the animals are alone or in small groups, smaller than they would normally be found in were they living in the wild. There are a lot of primates there, which I find especially painful to see.

I get the whole education/preservation thing, and I believe that zoos can be done in a relatively humane way with respect for the animals who live there. I can't exactly say I don't support that, though I also can't exactly say that I do. I believe that the people who work in zoos love the animals and the environment, and work very hard. Some places are sanctuaries that rescue and rehabilitate animals who could not live in the wild, and I think that can be pretty cool. However, I also think that putting money into maintaining these populations, and their habitats, in the wild where they belong would be a better use of our resources. That, and I simply can't get past the lives of the individual animals who live their lives in isolation and captivity in the name of education.

What do you think?

{this moment} - Strong National Museum of Play

2010-09-03T06:30:00.000-04:00

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see. Hosted by
soulemama

From the Dancing Wings Butterfly Garden

I am a scholar-turned-mother/activist who is interested in sustainable living and social justice. I have published a number of articles and given presentations internationally on the topics of voluntary simplicity and humane parenting. Learn more at my websitewww.beautifulfriendships.net.

10 Great Books for Kinesthetic Kiddos

2010-09-02T07:43:00.000-04:00

Okay...confession time.

My daughter does not like to read.

There, I've said it.

She likes to be read to at bed time while she teeters on the edge of sleep, and she loves looking at pictures in books and going to the library (more to do puppet shows and puzzles than to look at books, to be sure). I am told that she enjoys story time at school, too. But since she was very, very small she simply will not sit through an entire story.

Long before entering motherhood, I collected children's books. I loved going through the children's section in used book stores and garage sales, finding volumes that had a "good message". I imagined that my future children would sit at my knee, listening to these stories and absorbing the humane messages they presented. Reality proved to be much different, with Bess refusing to sit through even the first page of any book, and Harry only interested in books about things with wheels.

Over time, I've started to change my ideas about the purpose of children's literature. No longer did I see it as yet another opportunity to immerse my children in my values. Now I see it is a chance to expose them to the written word, to different ideas, and to visual aesthetics. Note that I do still take pains to ensure that the books we choose at least do not contain unwanted images, and I do try to find books with diverse characters - I haven't completely abandoned my ideals!

For my little kinesthetic learner I have started looking for books that encourage movement, which have been surprisingly hard to come by. Here are ten of my favorites, though:

I Ain't Gonna Paint No More by Karen Beaumont, Illustrated by David Catrow

This is a really cute story/song about a child who loves to paint anything and everything. Children can sing along with the book and point to the different body parts as they get painted by the mischievous little artist.

Ballerina Flying by Alexa Brandenberg

Anything ballerina is a sure winner in my house. This one is great because kids can practice the various ballet postures and steps along with the ballerina in the story. The opportunity to dress in pink frills while doing it is a plus.

Clap Your Hands by Lorinda Bryan Cauley

This is a fun book with lots of movements for children to follow along with. The text of the book is very lyrical and easy to read.

Wiggle by Doreen Cronin, Illustrated by Scott Menchin

Love Doreen Cronin! Doesn't that cover kind of say it all? Also look for Bounce and Stretch by this author/illustrator team.

Handsigns: A Sign Language Alphabet by Kathleen Fain

This book isn't a story, but the alphabet illustrations are lovely and each one is accompanied by the sign for that letter. This is a great book for introducing children to the American Sign Language alphabet.

Muncha! Muncha! Muncha! by Candace Fleming, Illustrated by G. Brian Karas

This is a fun story about a farmer who keeps building higher and higher walls to keep the bunnies out of his garden, but of course they outsmart him in the end. Children can hop and munch with the rabbits and build with the farmer.

In the Small, Small Pond by Denise Fleming

In this book, young readers can waddle like geese, doze like turtles, and twirl like whirligigs as they follow along with the story of the residents of a nearby pond. Also look for In the Tall, Tall Grass by the same author.

Shake My Sillies Out by Raffi, Illustrated by David Allender

How can you go wrong with a book that asks you to shake your sillies out and wiggle your waggles away?

How Can You Dance? by Rick Walton, Illustrated by Ana Lopez-Escriva

This book asks readers to use their bodies in unusual ways with questions such as: How can you dance if you can't move your knees? How can you dance when you're mad as a bee?

If You're Happy and You Know It (Jungle Edition) by James Warhola

This book by the nephew of Andy Warhol has colorful, friendly illustrations and a whole new repertoire for If You're Happy and You Know It, including stomp like and elephant, roar like a lion, and laugh like a hyena.

Winners...and Losers

2010-09-01T10:12:00.005-04:00

Photo courtesy of flickr user bitzi

I was watching the news this morning (Morning Joe on MSNBC, for the record) as a number of guests discussed last night's Presidential address. I did not see it so I cannot comment on what was said, but one of the pundits this morning was insisting that President Obama does not support our troops because he failed to say that we "won" the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. Apparently he felt that one little word coming from the Commander in Chief would make all the difference for troop morale.

Try as I might, I am having a hard time understanding what exactly it would mean to win this conflict. There were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, so that is a moot point. Saddam Hussein was deposed and the Taliban is no longer in power (officially) in Afghanistan, so I guess that's good. We have not caught Osama bin Laden, and I have often heard the argument made that if anything, we have made more enemies and, presumably, terrorists than friends during the years that we've had troops in the area. We have not helped to build a particularly stable government in Iraq or Afghanistan, though from what I've read it sounds like we have helped to build the infrastructure there, and at least they have held elections. Whether those elections are legit, I'm not so sure.

If we have won, then who are the losers? The civilians - the children - who have lost their lives, or their limbs, or their homes, or their family members? Refugees who have had to move in order to avoid the conflict and unrest, the bombs and gunfire? Our own soldiers who have come home injured, or worse?

In war, is there ever, really, a winner?

Shifting the Paradigm

2010-08-31T12:35:00.005-04:00

I recently finished reading Remarkable Creatures by Tracy Chevalier. I'm not usually a novel reader, but I am trying to expand my literary horizons and it was recommended to me by a trusted friend, so I decided to give it a try.

It is the story of Mary Anning, a working-class girl from England who (true story, dramatized for the purposes of the novel) found the first complete fossil specimens that led scientists to begin to consider the idea of extinction and evolution in the nineteenth century. I had read a children's book about Mary Anning a couple of years ago, so it was interesting to read a more adult rendition of her life.

One of the things that struck me most about the book was the characters' understandings of the broad implications of Mary's finds. Up until that time, at least in Europe among Christian people, it was thought that the world was just two thousand years old and the Bible was a historical text describing the creation of the world in seven, twenty-four hour days. Finding the remains of creatures that no longer existed was a huge blow to the accepted order of things, because it implied that some creatures had become extinct - did God make a mistake when He created them? Why would he do that? It also implied that the world was much, much older than had previously been thought. Accepting these new ideas took a huge leap of faith and logic and did not come easily.

From the perspective of this twenty-first century blogger, the paradigm shift that occurred as a result of these finds is obvious, and happened quite quickly. Very few people today still believe in the Bible as a literal text, and though some people still cling to creationism it is no longer a scientifically-accepted explanation for the beginnings of the Universe. However, from the perspective of a nineteenth-century English peasant who was picking up curiosities on the beach after a storm, these realizations must have completely rocked her world to the core. Everything she believed, everything she thought she knew to be true, completely upended.

It just makes you think how quickly paradigm shifts really take place, even though they don't seem to be quick when you're in the middle of them. I believe we are at that point now on our planet, where a shift is taking place from consumerism to sustainability. It seems to be frustratingly slow, but really, it is happening fast enough, faster than we think.

Babywearing for Beginners

2010-08-30T10:56:00.002-04:00

These last couple of weeks have been CRAZY around here! Bess has had camp for two weeks and so did John, so I've been trying to get her where she needs to be, manage Harry in the meantime, make sure everyone is fed, clean, and getting adequate sleep - and all with little help from the other parental unit while he's busy working very long days, leaving before we're up and coming home after we're asleep. We spent this past weekend in Rochester to end our whirlwind weeks, and now we have about ten days to recover before school starts.

In the meantime, I had a guest post over at Go Green Street on Babywearing Basics:

I don’t know how I would have gotten through my children’s early years without babywearing. My daughter was an extremely high-needs baby and demanded constant physical contact, and then when my son came along, I needed to keep with my then-high-needs toddler. I recall a trip I took with my kids to Washington D.C. where the baby spent the entire weekend in the sling, nursing, sleeping, and sightseeing. I never had to worry about dragging a stroller around and I had two free hands available for my daughter.

Visit here to read the entire post, and send the link to all your friends!

Sunday Link Love

2010-08-15T21:56:00.002-04:00

Children's Drawing Stages - 6 Things to Look For :: Planning With Kids
Asking Questions Which Encourage Creative Thinking :: Childhood 101
Embracing Imperfection :: Ode Magazine
How to Shrug Off the Burden of Doing It All :: Peace and Projects
Too Many Books? :: Simplicity Parenting

{this moment} - Sussex County Fair

2010-08-13T21:49:00.004-04:00

Kids in the Oven

2010-08-12T09:14:00.007-04:00

No...not a "bun" in the oven!

I am reading Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within by Natalie Goldberg, and here is a quote that I just love:

When you bake a cake, you have ingredients: sugar, flour, butter, baking soda, eggs, milk. You put them in a bowl and mix them up, but that does not make a cake. This makes goop. You have to put them in the oven and add heat or energy to transform it into a cake, and the cake looks nothing like its original ingredients. It's a lot like parent unable to claim their hippie kids as their own in the sixties. Milk and eggs look at their pound cake and say, "Not ours." Not egg, not milk, but Ph.D. daughter of refugee parents - a foreigner in her own home.

How often, as parents, do we feel like this with our kids? How often do we look at them and marvel at who they are becoming, but at the same time recognize that they in fact bear little resemblance to us, or who we thought they would be, or who we tried to make them?

I think this issue is especially difficult for humane parents. We are so committed to our values, and we so strongly want our children to grow up to share them, to fight for social justice and sustainability. Many of us struggle with the impact that simply having a child will have on the planet and our shared resources, and commit to raising our children to have as little impact as possible.

But the truth is, of course, that just as many of us rejected our parents' values and chose our own, so too can our children easily grow up and choose to become, say, the CEO of BP or a researcher for Monsanto. How do we reconcile ourselves with the fact that, in the end, we have no control over who our children will become as they grow?

More Pottery!

2010-08-10T10:31:00.003-04:00

Now if I could just figure out how to photograph the stuff so you could see what it really looks like...

An inukshuk, by the way. I collect them, and now I make them too!

We Tried Letterboxing

2010-08-09T16:05:00.009-04:00

During our visit to Dinosaur State Park in Rocky Hill, Connecticut last week, we stumbled across a letterbox on our hike and checked it out. This, combined with the letterboxing post at Wee Folk Art this past week, inspired us to give it a try - officially - over the weekend.

Well...it was okay. We looked online and found a multi-part series of letterboxes near our home, packed up our supplies - log books for each of the kids, and a stamp and inkpad for each of them as well - and headed out to see what we could find. We got to the first site near the Delaware Water Gap and found the spot easily enough, though it took some searching to find the actual box.

Once we found it and got it open, we discovered that it was leaky and the contents were moldy and really quite gross, and there was a snake living in the box. Needless to say, I think Bess is pretty scarred by the experience and isn't likely to want to repeat it any time soon. Quite honestly, neither am I. I like nature and all that, but opening a box full of stinky mold and a very surprised snake was simply more than my nerves could take yesterday. It was pretty yuk. And disappointing since we didn't actually get to stamp our books after all that looking.

However, all was not lost. Apparently, rocks covered with graffiti are very exciting when you're two and five. The kids thought they were artistic masterpieces and spent quite some time checking them out, climbing on them, and generally running around. Ah....

So, for those who are looking to try this activity, I have a few words of advice. One is, try to select a box that has been recently hidden or found to minimize the chances that it is missing or damaged. Two is, try to make sure that you are not overtired and cranky for your first letterbox outing, or you may not find it enjoyable to poke around in the woods getting eaten by mosquitoes for an hour trying to find the thing. (Tip 2A: consider bringing and applying bug spray.) Three is, be flexible - actually, this is not just letterboxing advice but parenting and life advice. What you expect to get out of an activity is rarely what you end up with in the end!

Sunday Link Love

2010-08-08T10:19:00.003-04:00

8 Tips for Boosting Your Energy RIGHT NOW :: The Happiness Project
The Power of Kisses :: Greater Good
Letterboxing :: Wee Folk Art
Stress is a Choice :: Simple Mom
How to "Make Room" for Learning :: Steady Mom

Have a great day!

Time to Move the Paints!

2010-08-07T06:35:00.001-04:00

I am a big believer that children should have free access to art supplies. Really, I am. Stamps on the wall, clay stuck to the floor, glitter all over - I may not love it, but I tolerate it and clean it up without complaint. But I think the time may have come to move some of the supplies out of toddler reach.

The other day, we spent some time finger painting in the morning. Then, after we cleaned up and I went on to do some housework, apparently Harry decided that he was not quite done with the activity. He proceeded to empty an entire bottle of red tempera paint on the hardwood floor (not carpet, thankfully - that's why we don't actually have any carpet) and smeared it all over the dining room and himself. Red paint everywhere is simply more than I can bear. I'm trying to think of a place where I can put it in Bess' reach but not Harry's - but those places are pretty scarce these days.

{this moment} - Dinosaur State Park, CT

2010-08-06T09:45:00.002-04:00

Mosque at Ground Zero

2010-08-05T07:17:00.001-04:00

Photo courtesy of Flickr user amerune

If the traffic I've seen on Twitter is any indication, the Islamic cultural center being built near Ground Zero in New York City is what's on everyone's minds. Most of the comments I have seen have not been in support of this project, to say the least. Even the Anti-Defamation League opposes the construction.

At the risk of being seen as un-American (one of the milder epithets being hurled around with regard to this issue), I would like to come out in support of such a project. Or, maybe not support of it, but definitely not opposition to it. Quite frankly, I am a little confused by all the brouhaha surrounding the decision to let construction commence. As I see it, it was not Muslims who attacked us on 9/11. It was extremists who happened to be Muslim. Islam, like all the Abrahamic religions, is built on a foundation of kindness and service. Anyone could take some of the teachings literally or out-of-context to justify killing thousands of innocent people (Crusades, anyone?), but that has much to do with those individuals and nothing, really, to do with the religion in which they choose to cloak their misanthropy.

When the 9/11 attack occurred, I lived very close to Manhattan - so close, in fact, that I was able to see the towers fall from a nearby park. I was personally affected by the events of that day. Clearly, I sympathize with the people who have suffered the most from the 9/11 attacks, including those who lost loved ones, the survivors, and the workers who cleaned up the wreckage. I would never advocate any course of action that would cause them pain. The Anti-Defamation League uses that as their rationale for opposing the construction of a mosque near the site, stating that it insensitive to the families to build such a center in that location. They cite as precedent the fact that Pope John Paul II asked a convent to relocate away from Auschwitz in order to properly memorialize those who were killed in the concentration camp there during World War II. However, I think that is a pretty specious analogy. No one ever accused the Catholic Church of committing the Holocaust, and the move was therefore simply sign of general respect by the religious community to the memory of the lost.

In this case, however, the conversation is not about general respect. Because the people who committed the attacks were Muslim, other Muslims should not be able to worship near the site, but people of other faiths are welcome to build their houses of worship in the neighborhood if they wish - so the argument goes. Please...let's start building bridges of respect and understanding. Let's support the victims of the 9/11 attacks, including the Muslims who have suffered discrimination since that day. Let's worry less about where they are building their mosques and focus more on understanding what goes on inside them.

I am a scholar-turned-mother/activist who is interested in issues of personal balance and social justice. I have published a number of articles and given presentations internationally on the topics of voluntary simplicity and humane parenting. Learn more at my website www.beautifulfriendships.net.

Dor-meow-tory Living

2010-08-04T07:25:00.003-04:00

Months ago I had written about my dog, Sarah, who had developed bone cancer. We lost her in December, and I am just now getting it together enough to write about her. She had been a part of our lives for almost thirteen years, my trusted companion, muse and teacher, and I miss her very much.

As it turns out, our dog Chryssi missed her even more than I did. Chryssi has some orthopedic problems that require us to keep her very lean, but she was getting depressed and lethargic and putting on weight. The house seemed empty - even John agreed. Just as we started contemplating the possibility of another dog, we saw an article in the newspaper about a dog at up for adoption at the local shelter. As soon as I saw his photo I put on my coat and headed over to see him.

At the shelter they told me he was a five-year-old lab who had been found wandering around, wearing an electric collar, in northeastern New Jersey. He was healthy, had recently had his teeth cleaned, and has had knee replacement surgery. They kept him as long as they could, assuming that his people would show up, but they never did and the first shelter ran out of space so they transferred him to a shelter near my home. By that point he had developed pneumonia and was not tolerating shelter life well - not that any animal does, but it is especially hard on senior dogs (turns out he's actually closer to ten years old than five). It was love at first sight, and as soon as he recovered we brought him home.

They called him Hunter, but we changed his name to Touch of Grey (Grey for short). He is a dream dog, mostly. He came to us a ready-made family member. He was trained, gets along great with Chryssi, is awesome with the kids, he's mellow and doesn't bark, and is just a super-sweet dog.

BUT. There's always a but, isn't there?

Grey is not a cat person. He chases and basically terrorizes them. It's horrible and they have been pretty unhappy about the new state of affairs. I thought they would work it out, but he's been here for five months and things haven't improved much. The cats each have retired to separate bedrooms - they used to spend a lot of time together, but now they just want their own spaces. The Little Man prefers the master bedroom, where he can escape out of reach under the king-sized bed, can sit in the window when the coast is clear, and has access to a litter box. At first he was terrified, but now he's starting to adjust and comes out at night when the old dog is asleep.

And then there's Althea. Poor Ally Cat, she fought the good fight at first but then just got tired of dealing with it and retired to the kids' room. They have bunk beds with a trundle underneath where we store (make that stored) Bess' stuffed animals, and that is where Ally decided to live. When it became apparent that she has no intention of leaving the room at any time for any reason whatsoever including litter box use, we decided to set up an apartment for her in the trundle complete with, as Bess refers to it, "room service". We set her up with her food and water, a litter box, and her bed, and now she's much happier. She's even been coming out to say hi every now and then. We're working on reaching a detente, but for now, everyone seems to be safe and happy.

See that kitty in the shadows? That's Ally, enjoying her new digs.

And lest Chryssi feel neglected, I'm including a photo of her too.

"Her Father Can Afford It"

2010-08-03T07:06:00.001-04:00

Image courtesy of Flick user Dianna Williams

This morning I was watching the CBS Early Show when Charlie Gibson did a segment discussing Chelsea Clinton's wedding this past weekend. I don't ordinarily watch this kind of thing but I'm not feeling so great and was having a lazy and mindless moment. Anyway...He and his guest talked about how so many people were excited to see the photos of the happy couple after so much bad news lately - you know, oil spills and the like.

Charlie asked if the wedding was a bit over-the-top in today's economic climate, and the guest - forgive me, I don't remember her name, I guess she is some sort of entertainment correspondent or something - said that it was what is required for someone like Chelsea Clinton. After all, she said, "Her father can afford it. And she's his only daughter."

I am going to rant now, because I'm in a ranting kind of a mood. If you're not in the mood to read a rant, please come back tomorrow. Tomorrow I promise to post some warm fuzzies.

Her father can afford it? 'Scuse me?

How about her PARENTS can afford it? Last I checked, her mother has done pretty well for herself. Successful attorney, best-selling author, United States Senator, candidate for President, Secretary of State - not too shabby as far as resumes go. Yet the mother of the bride didn't even merit a mention on the news? How wrong is that? How far does a woman have to come to deserve some coverage, or does she have to stand in her husband's shadow even when she is one of the most powerful politicians in the world in her own right?

Okay, I'm done now.

How Can A Weekend at the Beach Be Depressing?

2010-08-02T07:46:00.003-04:00

Mostly, it wasn't. On the contrary, it was actually quite relaxing and enjoyable. The weather was incredibly beautiful,

the kids were mostly well-behaved and in good humor and had some quality time with the grandparents,

and I even got to do some shell-hunting by myself for the first time in, oh, five years or so.

However, the shell-hunting was also a bit depressing. When I'm at the beach with my kids, I'm too busy supervising them, coaxing my toddler out onto the sand, making sure my daughter is using good judgement in the water - and not really paying much attention to the beach itself. But spending a half-hour or so with my eyes trained on the sand revealed more than shells. There was so much plastic! Water bottle caps, Silly Bandz, food wrappers, chunks of Styrofoam, it was everywhere! I didn't photograph it because it was just too yuk for me, I preferred to document the more pleasant views, but I do have to admit that it did put a damper on my alone time.

Reducing our plastic waste has been a struggle of mine for about a year now, since we participated in the Northwest Earth Institute's Ecochallenge last fall. I read Fake Plastic Fish religiously and am awed by the reduction that Beth has been able to make in her plastic use - and in her commitment to saving and sharing pictures of it each month! But it seems so ubiquitous, and I feel overwhelmed and discouraged by the idea of spending so much time thinking about it. And the truth is, I feel a little embarrassed by the prospect of calling up Internet vendors and asking them to use paper tape and padding for me.

Other things are tough, too. Take sippy cups for example. I know that in addition to the plasticness of plastic ones, it is also a health issue and that we should be using stainless steel drinking vessels. Not to mention how impossible the plastic ones are to keep clean, but I digress... I also know my family, and I know that we all (myself included) have a nasty habit of losing our water bottles. So, I am always balancing the desire to make the safe and green choice with the reality of replacing a $15 + stainless steel water bottle versus an under-$2 plastic one. My current compromise with that is to use the stainless steel ones when we're around - at home, in the car, visiting family or friends - so that loss is less of an issue, and having one or two plastic ones for the park, the library, or other places where I know there is a high probability of loss.

It's tough to know your limits, and not to beat yourself up about them. I'm working on it.

I am a scholar-turned-mother/activist who is interested in issues of personal balance and social justice. I have published a number of articles and offer presentations internationally on the topics of voluntary simplicity and humane parenting. Learn more at my website www.beautifulfriendships.net

Sunday Link Love

2010-08-01T12:44:00.003-04:00

Some of my favorites from around the web this week:

More Than a Mantra "We're In This Together" :: Yes! Magazine
Do You Have Happy Memories of a Place Associated With Your Grandparents? :: The Happiness Project
The Real Battle is Elsewhere by Shannon Hayes :: Boston Review
10 Ways for You and Your Child to Make the World a Better Place Today :: Adventures With Kids
Nature Play Update: Adding Story Stones :: Childhood 101

Have a great day!

Kelly is a scholar-turned-mother/activist who is interested in issues of personal balance and social justice. She has published a number of articles and offers presentations internationally on the topics of voluntary simplicity and humane parenting. Learn more at her website www.beautifulfriendships.net.

{this moment} - Hanging on Grandma's Porch

2010-07-30T15:24:00.002-04:00

Minivan Mama

2010-07-27T20:42:00.005-04:00

Today, I joined the ranks of Moms Who Drive Minivans.

I never thought I'd find my way here. Not because minivans are uncool (which, apparently, they are) but because they're so inefficient. I always thought that when my old Explorer needed to retire, I'd get a Prius or something like that.

But something overcame me - this irresistible urge for a minivan. Why should this be? I'm green, right?

So I've given it a lot of thought, and here's my theory:

When I was growing up, my mom was a single parent and worked a lot. When she wasn't working, she didn't want to be driving me and my friends around, and I never was able to have friends over the house. My friends' moms all seemed to be so accepting of us, welcoming their kids' friends into their homes for dinner or sleepovers. I vowed that when I was a mom, I would be the cool mom, the warm and inviting kind of mom.

So here I am, with my five-year-old daughter starting to develop a circle of friends and a social life. She's going off to Primary (Wellspring's version of kindergarten) in September, and living more and more of her life away from me. That's a good, healthy thing, but I am also feeling like it is more important that I have a good relationship with her and her friends. I want to be a mom who brings kids to the park after school, brings them home after school for a quick playdate, or brings a few of them home from a field trip. I want her friends to feel comfortable with me, and for her to feel comfortable with her friends being around me. For that, I need a minivan.

So, this time, emotions won out over environmental responsibility. Even though I know I probably shouldn't want a minivan, I do. I want the life, the relationship with my kids, and the experience of motherhood that the minivan represents to me. So I took the plunge. I hope it's all I dreamed it would be.

Imagination and Inspiration

2010-07-26T08:18:00.006-04:00

We had a great summer weekend. Saturday we took baths early, jumped in the car, picked up some takeout, and tailgated at the New Jersey Festival of Ballooning. We did not enter the fair, but just hung out in the parking lot, had dinner, and waited for the balloon launch. Harry did not tolerate the schedule disruption very well - the day involved very poor sleep management on my part - but Bess and I enjoyed it a great deal.

Sunday we spent the afternoon at the Frelinghuysen Arboretum. It was Fairy Day - we got to build a fairy house, make fairy crafts, and look at everyone else's houses. It was pretty intense - people brought supplies from home, and even built fairy house elements like baskets, houses, platforms, it was amazing. We were not so well prepared, but I think we did okay. The houses will be left up until mid-August, so if you're in the area I encourage you to check them out!

I'd like to note that the ramp on the fairy house is, in Bess' words, "in case any of the fairies are in wheelchairs". You've got to love a handicapped-accessible fairy house!

Sunday Link Love

2010-07-25T05:31:00.005-04:00

Some of my favorites from around the web this week:

5 Simple Ways to Create Amazingly Memorable Traditions :: Simple Mom
33 Things You Can Reuse as Garden Containers :: Greenopolis
A Music Lover's Guide to Children's Tunes :: Elephant Journal
On Being Busy or Being Full: How Can We Tell the Difference? :: Simple Homeschool
Goodnight, Sweet Gems! :: Departing the Text

Have a great day!

My Personal Creativity Challenge

2010-07-24T07:50:00.004-04:00

I recently read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin (as I've mentioned before), and I really took a lot of things she says to heart. One of her prescriptions for happiness is to learn something new, and I certainly find that I always feel more energetic and happy when I am acquiring a new skill or knowledge, so I decided to spend some time this summer learning something I've always wanted to learn.

Since I'm interested in creativity and artistic skill these days, I decided to try my hand at an artistic endeavor - namely, pottery. I enrolled in an adult pottery class that meets once a week near my house, and I am totally in love with it. Most of the people in my class prefer hand building, but I am determined to learn to throw pottery on the wheel. There is something so metaphorical about it for me - I love to have my hands in the Earth getting dirty, and I love how you must always be centered in order to be successful, and how every piece starts out the same, as a big mound of clay, and yet it can be turned into anything you can imagine.

Yesterday I got back my first batch of completed pieces:

Bess used this bowl for her breakfast this morning, and I decided to photograph it that way so as to cleverly disguise how horribly off-center it is! I dropped my hole somewhere not even close to the middle, which resulted in a very imperfect piece. Oh, well.

This is my second bowl. Much better, but still not great. When you lift your piece (in other words, when you build the sides on the wheel - you gotta have the lingo!) it has a tendency to go outwards into a bowl shape, though your goal is to lift it straight up. I am still struggling with that. This bowl was supposed to be a vase. Yesterday I threw five or six bowls, so we'll see how they come out once their fired and glazed.

So far, this beauty is my masterpiece. (I did the glazing freehand, in case you were wondering.) The idea was for this to be my morning coffee mug, but this morning I was too afraid to use it. There is a small crack in the bottom because I made it too thin. The teacher says the glaze fills in the crack so it will be water-tight, and I guess there's only one way to find out. Maybe tomorrow.

I've also made a commitment to work on my sewing skills. Let me rephrase that, because from that sentence you might conclude that I actually have some sewing skills. I should say: I have made a commitment to develop some sewing skills. I took the book Stray Sock Sewing by Daniel (yes, that's the author's name, like Madonna or Cher) out of the library and tried the simplest pattern it contains:

Not so bad for a first try, right? There are a few rookie mistakes, like I didn't turn the sock inside out before cutting and sewing and I didn't turn the heel the right way so he has a crazy punk haircut instead of ears, but all in all I'm pretty satisfied with him.

{this moment} - Say Cheese!

2010-07-23T20:20:00.005-04:00

Whenever I get the camera out my little dude insists on posing for a photo op:

7 Strategies for Cultivating Creativity in Children

2010-07-22T15:55:00.010-04:00

In a recent Newsweek article, Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman report that American creativity on the decline. I don't find this surprising given the emphasis on standardization in US schools and our culture's general attitude towards conformity, but it is alarming. Since creativity is such a vital element of successful problem solving and progress, it seems that we would be wise to find ways to cultivate creativity, not silence it.

One of the important points from this article is that creativity is not a characteristic exclusively belonging to artists, writers, and musicians. Creativity is simply defined by leading researcher Teresa Amabile as an idea that exhibits novelty and appropriateness. So while sculptors, painters and composers clearly need creativity in order to succeed in their fields, so do mathematicians, engineers, hairdressers, physicists, doctors, chefs, and parents.

Some of the strategies I've learned to help cultivate creativity in our children include:

1. Be creative. Forgive me if this one seems obvious to you. However, I find that a lot of parents do not consider themselves "creative" because they don't do still-life oil paintings until 3 am. I'm here to tell you that everyone is creative! Maybe you are someone who can look in the fridge and pull together a gourmet meal from whatever you have lying around. Maybe you are the parent who is able to create a fun and entertaining game to pass the time during long road trips. Maybe you enjoy having a beautiful flower garden, or putting together fun outfits, or coming up with original ideas for birthday parties. Whatever it is, let your kids see you doing it.

2. Be flexible. Research, particularly that of Edward L. Deci and Richard M. Ryan, finds that parents who are flexible and who create a relaxed and supportive atmosphere in the home raise children who are more well-adjusted, successful and creative. Children cannot be creative and take risks if they are afraid of mistakes and disapproval. This used to be referred to as authoritative parenting (as opposed to authoritarian or permissive), but is now called Autonomy Supportive Parenting.

3. Create a creative environment. Make sure your children have simple, open-ended toys that promote imaginative play. Make your home as washable and child-friendly as possible so they can play and create without having to worry about breaking a favorite lamp or getting dirt on the white carpet.

4. Play imagination games. The car is a perfect place to use this strategy. We like to come up with progressive stories on road trips. It is fun to see how players try to move the story in a particular direction when other people throw a wrench into their plot. We also like to look at other cars or planes flying overhead, and make up stories about the occupants.

5. Keep fantasy alive. There are a few schools of thought on this one, but I firmly believe that by allowing children a rich fantasy life that includes fairies and gift-bearing rabbits, you expand their minds and give them license to imagine the impossible. When ideas are not constrained by the properties of the real world - when magic is seen as a possibility - amazing things can happen.

6. Don't be too quick to answer questions. Young children are famous for always asking questions. For example, my daughter recently asked me why the sun rises in the morning and sets in the evening. However, I didn't respond right away (though I did eventually break out the lamp and the soccer ball to offer an accurate explanation). Instead, I asked her what she thought - which, for the record, is that the sun and moon are on a teeter-totter. I like to do this for a few reasons. It lets children use their minds to imagine what might be going on before you offer an answer, thereby ending the thought process. It helps to avoid Expert Syndrome, where children are constantly looking outside themselves for authority. Lastly, it offers a fun and useful window into their minds.

7. Expand their horizons. I guess this is just another way of saying "Provide enrichment", but I think it is much deeper than providing colorful mobiles and music lessons. What I really mean to suggest is this: offer your child new ideas, experiences, foods, people, places, and things to consider. Who really knows where the seeds of a new idea is planted? The more fodder we provide, the more our children will have the opportunity to create new things and ideas. This goes for us, too!

Marc Bekoff and Creative Compassion in Children

2010-07-21T15:31:00.007-04:00

In the July 20 issue of The Huffington Post, Marc Bekoff (author of The Emotional Lives of Animals among other animal welfare-themed books) wrote an article about discussions he has had with children regarding concern for animals, human communities, and the environment. Right up my alley, don't you agree?

What I really love about this story is that when asked to engage in a classic animal rights' thought experiment, where there are three persons and a dog on a lifeboat and one must be thrown overboard in order for the other three to survive and the decision must be made as to whom should be sacrificed, the children Bekoff describes simply refused to accept the premise. Instead of working within the parameters they were given, the children tried to find creative ways to save all four beings on the boat.

I think what Bekoff has witnessed represents the type of critical thinking we should all be looking to cultivate in our children. Instead of just accepting injustice and loss as "the way it is", they looked for other ways to make it different, make it better. Regardless of their conclusions (which, by the way, are consistent with those arrived at by most adults who are presented with this dilemma), the fact that they were eager to think outside the box and not see problems as givens but rather obstacles that can, and should, be overcome is very exciting to me. This type of creativity coupled with compassion is something that is encouraging for me to see as a humane educator, because it gives me hope for the future where my children will one day find themselves living.

Five Great Places to Visit With Young Kids

2010-07-20T12:11:00.018-04:00

Unlike most Americans (at least those fortunate enough to have jobs that permit time off and money enough to travel), we do not take a family vacation in the summer. My husband's work schedule does not have enough flexibility for us to travel, though we do try to fit in some fun day trips. We also try to go with him on business trips when we can so that we can see some new sites during the day and have some Daddy time during the evening.

We don't usually go far, but have travelled around the northeastern US quite a bit. Here are some of the best places we've found that are fun for both parents and children as well as nurturing creativity, curiosity, and an appreciation of nature:

1. Longwood Gardens (Philadelphia Area)

Longwood Gardens is a beautiful arboretum spanning over 1,000 acres and including a huge variety of plants and garden types. It is not only a fabulous place for gardening enthusiasts, but the kids had a blast there. There are a number of tree houses for climbing and viewing of the surrounding area, and the conservatory houses a super-fun water garden. Unfortunately, we did not leave ourselves nearly enough time to see it all and plan to return the next time we are in the area to spend some time in the kids' garden, the chime garden, and the giant topiaries!

2. Please Touch! Museum (Philadelphia Area)

Our other fantastic Philly find was the Please Touch! museum, right in the outskirts of the city. It is a very manageable size and had fun things for both my two-year-old and my five-year-old, including an Alice in Wonderland area, an indoor water play area, and a beautiful carousel. They offer a ticket deal where you can buy two day passes for a discounted price, but you have to use them within ten days of each other.

3. Gardens at Massachusetts Horticultural Society (Boston Area)

I realize this doesn't sound like a great place for kids, but trust me, it is! They have a fantastic children's garden called Weezie's Garden where they can climb a tree tower, pretend to be baby birds, check out the fish pond, and play in a sand pit, but the entire grounds are full of rich areas for play. My kids especially loved the herb garden, where they wandered the paths and smelled the different aromas. This is a great place to bring a picnic and blanket, pack a football or Frisbee, and plan to hang out on a nice day.

4. The Wild Center - Natural History Museum of the Adirondacks (near Lake Placid, New York)

This LEED-certified museum is not technically a children's museum, but it was definitely designed with young guests in mind. All the exhibits are accessible to even very young children, and there is a hands-on children's room where the kids can spend hours reading, playing and exploring. Bess especially loved the pond organ, where each key plays a different sound you might hear around the water. There is a small lake outside with trails for exploring, and you can rent snowshoes in the winter to explore the grounds.

5. New Jersey Children's Museum (Bergen County, New Jersey)

This museum is about an hour from our home and near my grandmother's house, so we visit it frequently and never get tired of it. The museum often hosts special events, but even on the average day there is so much to do that we could spend hours exploring the different rooms and pretending to be construction workers, paleontologists, Medieval royalty or just playing house (because we can't do that at home, right?).

We're always looking for new places to visit, so I hope you'll share your favorites in the comments section!

What Is Ahimsa Mama All About, Anyway?

2010-07-19T22:28:00.001-04:00

I think part of my resistance to working on this blog lately has to do with defining what, exactly, Ahimsa Mama is about. I recently completed my master's thesis on humane parenting with the Institute of Humane Education, so naturally my work up until this point has used their work as a starting point. However, there is something about taking the principles of Humane Education and applying them to raising children that has struck me as a little inconsistent with my personal parenting philosophy.

Ideally, educators are concerned with the personal development of their students, but in the end their primary responsibility is to the material they are teaching. Humane Education is no different - it is a form of activism that seeks to expose students to alternative ways of looking at things in order to encourage them to behave compassionately towards humans, other animals, and the environment.

Parenting, on the other hand, has different objectives, or at least it does for me. Of course raising my children to be compassionate, responsible, thoughtful individuals is a high priority for me. However, my top priority is to them as human beings. I am still an activist, but first I am a mother to my children. I want them to be expressive, creative, curious, happy and fulfilled. Unlike a teacher I have my kids from birth and have the opportunity - indeed, the responsibility - to "fill their cups" so they have love to spare for the world around them.

So what Ahimsa Mama is really about is raising children in an environment of support and unconditional positive regard so that they can grow to be well-adjusted and actualized individuals who are able to find their callings and seek to have the most positive impact on the world they possibly can.

To that end, I will be working on revamping Ahimsa Mama over the next few weeks and months to better reflect this dual-pronged approach to raising children. I will be seeking resources for raising children with kindness and respect, as well as for lightening our own and our families' footprints on our planet. I invite your comments and suggestions, and I welcome you to join my on this path.

Check Out My Article in the Latest Issue of Education Revolution

2010-07-14T20:11:00.004-04:00

It starts on page 9:

Open publication - Free publishing - More dana bennis

Also note, the cover photo and the photo that accompanies my article were both taken by the very talented photographer Parvathi Kumar!

Creativity, Part Two

2010-07-08T18:57:00.005-04:00

Cultivating creativity is one of the main pillars of Humane Education and therefore Humane Parenting, as part of the three Cs - the other two being curiosity and critical thinking. As a mother, I not only seek to express my own creativity, but to help my children grow into creative individuals themselves.

As a humane parent, I work very hard to provide all sorts of opportunities for my children to flex their mental muscles. I make all sorts of materials available to them so they can explore their artistic sides. I try to refrain from stepping in and solving problems for them, instead allowing them to find their own solutions. When my five-year-old daughter asks me a question, I try to encourage her to think of her own answer before providing an "official" response. I want both my children to find ways to figure things out and find answers for themselves - it's too easy to just "ask mom", to consider me (or some other authority figure) the holder of information. I prefer them to realize that they often have the answers within themselves, or if they don't then at least to recognize that there are often many answers to a question and they have to decide for themselves what is "truth".

There is another side to the creativity inherent in humane parenting, though. I think that by having a vision of the kind of world we want to create, we are engaging in a very different kind of child-rearing than most. So many parents do what they do with their kids out of fear - fear of not measuring up, of being behind their peers, of failing to find a good job. But humane parents, and humane educators, choose instead to create the world they want instead of running from what they don't want. They are full of hope and see a world full of potential, and choose to do what they can to make that world a reality. What could be more creative than that?

Creative Mamas - A Redundancy

2010-07-07T17:23:00.003-04:00

Last night I went to a meeting of the Somerset County chapter of the Holistic Moms Network to see a screening of the documentary Who Does She Think She Is? The film is about women who are artists and mothers, and the ways they are able to balance these two roles in their lives. Of course, the struggle to balance work and family is not unique to artists (or mothers, or even women I guess) but there are certainly unique elements to these women's stories that are not shared by women who are trying to balance motherhood with being, say, an accountant or a teacher. At any rate, it was an amazing and moving film that would speak to any mother - indeed, any woman.

This is the second time I've seen the film, but it was a totally different experience watching it with a group of women as opposed to seeing the PBS version in my living room, alone. Watching the film alone was amazing, but there was so much power in watching with others that I left last night feeling inspired to find a way to pursue my creative passions, especially writing. Then I went off on a mental tangent (as I am prone to do), thinking about creativity and what it means to be a creative woman/mother/person. This was mostly while I was waiting for the tow truck to arrive at 1 this morning because my car broke down on the way home from the meeting - but still, it was worth it, even without the air conditioning to get me through the wait!

By definition, mothers are creative. We create families, if not by actually creating a new person then by choosing and working to bring a child into our homes through adoption or some other means. In fact, our bodies are designed to hold within them this very possibility each and every month for the better part of our lives, whether we choose to use it or not. We create homes, we create cultures within our homes, we create ourselves as people in relationship with our children. Even women who may not be "creative" in the way that word is most often used - to describe people who act, or sing, or dance, or paint, or sculpt, or sew, or whatever - are creative in their roles as mothers.

The women in the film were trying to find ways to put their creative voices out into the world, but I am just as fascinated by the mothers I read about all the time in magazines and, especially, in blogs who find ways to make their homes into hotbeds of creativity. They may sew their children's clothes from old maternity shirts, or may allow their children to glue tissue paper collages to the window, or may arrange their homes in a way that nourishes their children's artistic urges as well as their aesthetic sensibilities, or they may find unique ways to get their preschoolers to eat Brussels sprouts. They arrange their children's books by color, they plant amazing gardens full of different hues, smells and flavors, they find 101 uses for empty toilet paper rolls, and they use their inventiveness and passion to nurture their growing children. I am inspired by the stories of these wonderful mamas who are able to take their amazing talents and find ways to fulfill themselves by creating beautiful, loving homes where imagination is nourished and encouraged.

I hope to be able to do both. I hope that I can use my creativity in my home to establish a joyful, warm and loving place for my children to grow, and I hope that I can use my creativity to put my voice out into the world, to add it to all the other voices that are working to build a more compassionate, just and sustainable world where we all can grow.

7.5.2010 - One Sentence Journal

2010-07-05T22:22:00.002-04:00

We've spent the Fourth of July weekend down the shore, which has been....interesting. Bess had tons of fun at the beach, but Harry's not that into the ocean, plus it's been a bit too hot for him to really spend much time outside. Pretty much the best thing Harry's done this weekend is take a three hour nap today. He doesn't tolerate disruptions well - he isn't nearly as flexible as Bess. He's tired, and displaced, and hot, and all sorts of cranky.

Bess, however, is as enthusiastic as always. Yesterday she was watching Sports Center with her dad, and exclaimed to me, "Mom! Did you know that baseball player scored three run arounds yesterday???"

7.3.2010 - One Sentence Journal

2010-07-03T21:34:00.000-04:00

This morning I asked Harry if he needed a diaper change. He fled, knocking down furniture and slamming doors in his wake, like a perp evading the detectives on an episode of Law & Order. Who knew diaper changes were that bad?

Bess spent the morning working on her dance moves, practicing her ballet positions and trying to teach them to Harry. This afternoon she and her cousin found a princess dress-up app on John's iPad. How did I ever produce a pink sparkles twirly girl?

One Sentence Journal

2010-07-02T16:54:00.000-04:00

I am currently reading (well, listening to, anyway) The Happiness Project by Gretchin Rubin. I'm really liking it and finding that she has a lot of really useful suggestions. I am on the chapter about August right now, in which she talks about starting a one sentence journal where she just jots a sentence or two at the end of every day about something that happened that day.

I started thinking that one of the reasons I don't blog as much as I would like is that I feel like I have to have something Earth-shattering to say in order to commit it to paper (as it were), and often I don't. I am too busy living my life, doing my thing and caring for my young family to come up with profundities every day. So I think I am going to try an Ahimsa Mama version of the one sentence journal.

Here it goes:

This morning I was reading while Harry was otherwise occupied, or so I thought. Apparently he was just biding his time because he came into the living room, closed my book and said, "The End." I guess it was time to play.

Bess has been at dance camp all week (don't EVEN get me started on dance culture, that's a topic for a whole other - looooong - blog post). I hate it - and believe me, I mean hate - but she LOVES it. Her teacher even commented to me (completely unprovoked) how she is so focused and works so hard, and has great technique for her age. Imagine me, a dance mom? Egads!

Standing Up

2010-06-29T11:21:00.002-04:00

Last week I took Harry (now two years old) to the county library to pick up a book I had ordered through inter-library loan but accidentally had sent to the wrong place. We visited the children's room, which is huge and beautiful, and went to the back so that we could sit, read, and do some puzzles.

A group of young adults with developmental disabilities was visiting the library at the same time, and a number of them were lying on beanbag chairs in the children's room. One appeared to be sleeping, but as Harry walked near him he jumped up and screamed, "Can't you see I'm sleeping? Get away from me!!!"

Needless to say, poor Harry was terrified and became hysterical. It took me almost ten minutes to calm him down. The librarian came from her desk to see what was the matter and make sure he wasn't injured. When I described the situation to her, she got very angry. Some people in that group don't know how to treat children, she said, as she stormed off to talk to their chaperon.

Personally, I was not that upset about it. Everyone is different, and it's not like the young man was mean-spirited. I hope that Harry isn't permanently scarred by the interaction (though he might be, he's that kind of kid), but it gave me the chance to talk to him a bit about how some people are different and act differently in certain situations, but that the man meant him no harm. I'm sure he didn't understand what I was saying but I don't think it's ever to early to start to talk about these things.

But then I started to wonder: Should I have been angry? Am I am bad mom because I didn't stand up for my son, because I didn't reprimand the young man for scaring him, that I didn't seek out the supervising adult and voice my displeasure at Harry's treatment? Will my children end up feeling that I cared more about other people's feelings than theirs, and I was unwilling to defend them in difficult situations? Should I have gotten all Mama Bear on this guy's ass?

I think that comforting Harry was enough. I think that setting an example of understanding, compassion and forgiveness was the way to go. I didn't tell Harry to buck up and shake it off, and I acknowledged his feelings of fear and surprise, but I didn't make it into more than it was - just a young man with a developmental disability that causes him to be socially awkward acting out in an inappropriate way. And, let's be honest here - who isn't socially inappropriate now and then anyway? In the end, I guess we have to accept that we can never know how our children will interpret our behavior, how they will feel about the way they were treated and youngsters. All we can do is the best we can do - and if I had it to do over again I think I'd do the same thing.

Great Expectations

2010-06-11T19:13:00.004-04:00

Today I had a lot of work related errands to do, followed by a yearly checkup for Bess. I dragged the kids out of the house early this morning, brought them to the rink, expected them to sit in the office while I met with our copier guy, then stuck them in the car, drove them around for awhile, brought them to the law office of the organization's President and expected them to behave while I spent over an hour meeting with a banker, then stuck them in the car again, brought them to Whole Foods, asked them to select and eat their food in ten minutes so we could get back in the car and run to the doctor where we then proceeded to wait an hour and fifteen minutes for our appointment to begin.

They did not behave well. By which I mean they were loud, unable to sit still, hungry, and distracting. In other words, they acted like, you know - kids.

Needless to say, I was irritated by their behavior. I was tired, embarrassed and unable to concentrate. I ended up nursing Harry in the glass-walled conference room at the law office, which was met with looks of shock, dismay and I think I even detected a little disgust. I have been trying to really focus on what is important, and on making my kids my top priority no matter what other people think or say, but this was one of those times where that was impossible. For me, anyway. I needed to have these meetings, I needed to have them with me, and I wanted them to act like adults.

I started to think about all the things that my kids do, and that people do in general, that upset me and wonder what that is about for me. I think a lot of times it's really simply about a mismatch between expectations and reality. In the case of children, it is often a mismatch between reasonable expectations and reality. That was certainly the case today. If I set my kids up for failure, is it really fair to then get upset when they fail? They are who they are, and is it their fault when who they are does not match who I want them to be either in general or in a particular circumstance. No, I don't think it is.

I'm going to work on that.

So the Princess Got Kicked out of Machine School

2010-06-09T14:22:00.004-04:00

Bess loves playing games in the car - but they can get a little tedious for Mom and Dad. There are only so many knock-knock jokes that don't make any sense (Knock Knock! Who's There? Elephant! Elephant Who? Elephant horse! HAHAHAHAHAHA!) that one can take, and though she enjoys playing I Spy, it doesn't really lend itself to highway driving. By the time she's done describing what she sees - I spy with my little eye something that is YELLOW - we're already half a mile past the object.

So we came up with a new game to play that is actually fun for grownups and preschooler alike. Really, it's not that new - I've read about it other places though I can't remember where, but it's new to us. One person starts a story by saying one sentence, and then the other person gives the next sentence, and you take turns adding on until someone ends the story. I'm really enjoying this activity with Bess, because it is interesting to see how she tries to manipulate the stories so that they go the way she wants instead of going with the flow that I try to establish.

For example, yesterday she started a story with "Once upon a time there was a princess" (of course). So I continued, "The princess really liked to fix machines that were broken." But that was definitely not the direction Bess had in mind, so she continued, "But the princess didn't know how to fix machines." So, "The princess decided to go to school to learn how to fix things." Bess: "But she threw something at the teacher and got kicked out of that school and wasn't allowed to come back, so she never learned how to fix machines." Eventually, the princess turned into a mermaid or something - that's the way the stories often end, with someone swimming off into the sea to live happily ever after, the end.

Spring is here, again

2010-06-08T18:00:00.013-04:00

Spring is here, and along with it the irresistible urge o be outside. The past few days have been absolutely beautiful, not so outrageously hot. Today we did some work on our garden:

We added to our hay bale garden this year, a vegetable garden on the left and an herb garden on the right. Last year, we planted two strawberry plants in our little garden, not knowing that they would totally take over the entire plot and make it impossible to plant anything else without ripping them out. We also did not know that they really don't start producing until they've been in the ground for a few years, so clearly they are here to stay.

We put in some regular basil and Thai basil, sage, rosemary, lavender, sage and peppermint. We'll see how it goes - last year our basil did horribly which was a big disappointment - especially in the winter when there was no homemade pesto in the freezer - but the sage grew out of control. Everything else did okay, as far as the herbs went (the vegetables were all a huge bust). We also got our tomatoes and bell peppers in today. We're planning on getting some cucumbers from a friend tomorrow, and maybe some squash as well.

A big focus for me this year is making our back yard an inviting play space for the kids. Now that they're older and can go outside without me being within an arm's length, it's nice for them to have things to do together or alone if they prefer. We put up a zip line which has been a big hit, and they have a swing set and a sandbox. They also have some ride-on toys on the patio (including a huge iron John Deere pedal tractor that I found at an antique store in PA) along with an easel and some sidewalk chalk. We spent a few hours collecting sticks and building our backyard tepee, but it hasn't gotten as much use as I expected. Still I think it's pretty cool, aesthetically speaking.

This thing, however, has been my backyard nemesis. The kids love playing on it, especially Harry who can finally climb up and go down the slide by himself. It was a hand-me-down from a very generous friend, and a great addition to our play repertoire. But let's face it - the thing is downright ugly. The more I read, the more I am coming to believe in the importance of creating a visually pleasing play space, so something had to be done with this. Today I used some landscaping fabric I had laying around to carpet the inside and make it a little less overgrown (it gets moved every now and then to cut the grass inside, but that usually doesn't happen until it gets eye-high to Harry and the kids don't want to go near it lest a grasshopper jump on their heads), and I will cover that with some wood chips. I also put a border around the edge and will plant some sunflowers, so that by the end of the summer - I hope - it will be a shady and magical sunflower house. It's all a work in progress.

BP

2010-06-04T18:27:00.002-04:00

I know it's been a long, long - okay, loooooooong - time since I've been here. I've been busy on the Wellspring Community School blog (we've even started a podcast!), and I've had some computer issues, and I had some health issues that had me taking time off from blogging altogether, but I'm trying to get back in the swing of things.

Everyone is talking about the BP oil disaster, so naturally I feel compelled to add my voice to the conversation. I've been trying very hard to avoid watching or listening to any coverage of the spill because it is simply too depressing for me to see. I do not have the intestinal fortitude to see any more pictures of birds covered in oil or a huge slick overtaking the ocean. That said, it is quite difficult to stay away from it altogether since it is all over the place all the time.

Let me first say that I don't really get how this happened in the first place. I mean, as someone who is always preparing for the worst case scenario as a way of life (not as a sign of pessimism but of reducing stress - I find that if I am prepared for problems they don't really bother me that much), I can't see how no one anticipated this possibility and how no safety measures were put into place to turn the well off in the event of emergency. I have an emergency shut off for the water in my kitchen, for heaven's sake - no one thought to put one in the Gulf of Mexico? I have seen several stories saying that the best bet for turning off the leak is to drill an adjacent well to the existing one, divert the oil to the new pipe, and then close that pipe off. We couldn't have done this when all the people and machinery were out there building the well in the first place?

Anyhoo....what I really want to talk about is a press conference I saw the other day with the CEO (or COO, I can't remember) of BP. He said - and I quote, because this is unforgettable - "No one wants this over more than me. I want my life back."

Are you KIDDING me? Dude - really? There are thousands of people who have lost their livelihoods, not to mention the eleven who lost their lives, because of this disaster. The marine life is being decimated, and the ecosystem may never recover. And you're complaining because this whole thing is cutting into your time on the links? Does this company not have a PR department? Does this man have no heart? Every time I think I've heard it all, I am saddened to find that I, in fact, have not.

Every time I think about what is going on down there, it makes me physically ill. No one has the first clue how devastating this will be in the end, and no one has any idea how to stop it. I certainly don't, and though I am not in the practice of criticizing others unless I have a solution in mind, I do have to say that I am starting to wonder if there is, in fact, no solution at all other than stopping offshore oil drilling altogether. If this could happen once, it could certainly happen again, and then what? We're running out of oil to start with, and now there are untold barrels of oil floating on the Gulf never to be recovered for use. We don't really have a drop to spare if we are going to continue to use it at the pace we're going, never mind millions - billions - of gallons of the stuff.

Blech.

Freaky!

2010-03-14T18:44:00.003-04:00

Something I never expected to find while Googling myself looking for a reference for an article I worked on in grad school:

The Green Mom Eco-Cosm: A Social Study Into Their Motivations, Convictions and Influence

Please direct your attention to page 5.

I wear the badge Super Green proudly. In fact, I think I'll make myself a cape....

Raising our Kids to be Autonomous Agents

2010-02-22T12:39:00.004-05:00

I've been doing a lot of blogging over at The Blog of Wellspring Community School lately as my interest has broadened from humane parenting to include humane education in the early childhood classroom. Today's post talks about the idea of giving our children a sense of agency:

This past weekend, the NJEEPRE Roundtable was held at the Kean University Child Care & Development Center in Union, New Jersey. It was such an inviting, relaxing and beautiful space, a really fantastic place to have a roundtable. We read and discussed the chapter on The Emergent Curriculum from the book We Are All Explorers: Learning and Teaching with Reggio Principles in Urban Settings.

It was a rich and interesting chapter, definitely worth reading. One of the main ideas was that the goal of Reggio-inspired educators is to give children a sense of agency - and, ideally, parents and educators should posses a sense of agency as well. Sense of agency was defined as:

Experiencing oneself as an active, self-directed agent who can, individually and in collaboration with others, formulate personally meaningful learning goals, figure out strategies to achieve them, engage the world to pursue them, construct understandings, and communicate the newly developed understandings to others. A sense of agency combines a sense of efficacy and personhood. It means: I stand in relation to others with my own motives and ideas and I have the competence to pursue them.

I think it should go without saying that if it is important for educators to endow their students with a sense of agency, then it is doubly, maybe even triply important for parents to do this for their children. There's even a word for it: Autonomy Supportive Parenting. As described by researchers Deci and Ryan and their colleagues, this parenting style "value[s] and use[s] techniques which encourage independent problem solving, choice, and participation in decisions versus externally dictating outcomes, and motivating achievement through punitive disciplinary techniques, pressure, or controlling rewards." (Grolnick & Ryan, 1989, p. 144) This type of parenting is associated with more pro-social behavior, better school outcomes, and greater self-regulation.

If we are trying to raise our children to be happy, competent, confident adults, then giving them a sense of agency, of autonomy, should be among our highest priorities as parents. If we do that part of our jobs well, then their ability to have respect for themselves, for other people, and for the rest of the Earth and her inhabitants will follow naturally from that.

Reference: Grolnick, W. S. & Ryan, R. M. (1989). Parent styles associated with children’s self-regulation and competence in school. Journal of Educational Psychology, 81, 143-154.

The Olympics

2010-02-21T08:32:00.003-05:00

Like many other families the world over, we've been trying to watch a bit of Olympic competition each day. Bess especially likes the figure skating, of course, but she also likes the luge a lot - even she realizes the insanity of putting on a helmet and some spandex and riding a sled down a mountain at 90 mph. She likes speed skating too, though she insists that the speed skaters are simply figure skaters who are trying to catch up with their partners. As for me, I like snowboarding the best, and I am also having fun reminiscing about last year's trip to Vancouver.

As much as we are enjoying it, I can't help but wonder - how is it that we can pull off the Olympics every couple of years, but we can't feed hungry people, or make sure everyone has clean water to drink and adequate sanitation and medical care? I mean, honestly. Between deciding on a host city and all that goes along with that, to building the venues and ensuring adequate infrastructure in the city, to selecting athletes and getting them there, to televising the events, not to mention the money...if we put half as much effort into solving the world's problems as we do putting sports entertainment on television, if the creative minds and leaders and investors who are able to put these huge events together turned their energies toward human trafficking or global warming, I have to believe these problems would be well on their way to solutions.

This is not to take anything away from the athletes' accomplishments. I've always been very impressed with and fascinated by people who are able to push themselves to the limit, and I know they invest a lot of themselves in their sports. Go team!

But leave it to me to take the fun out of sport, I guess...

Rescue Me

2010-02-18T18:32:00.005-05:00

Yesterday marked two months since our dog Sarah went to heaven. Bess still asks on a nearly-daily basis when Sarah is coming home, so I suspect that she isn't ready for another dog yet. If you ask her, she'll tell you she wants a puppy, but what kid doesn't? I don't think that really has anything to do with an actual desire for another dog. As for me, part of me wants another dog to fill some of the empty space, and part of me knows that no other dog will ever fill the space left by Sarah and it would be unfair to me, and to the dog, to even try right now.

Our dog Chryssi is another story. She has been horribly depressed since Sarah left. She doesn't know what to do with herself. In or out? Sleep in bed, in the crate, on the couch, on the chair, on the floor? Where do I eat? She still hangs out in Sarah's crate at least 50% of the time. Partly I think she specifically misses Sarah: Sarah was pure alpha dog and Chryssi is happiest at the bottom of the pecking order, so they were a match made in heaven. But partly I think she is one of those dogs who really likes having canine companionship. She doesn't really spend a lot of time alone, and we have the cats to keep her company when the humans are out, but I think she is really longing for another dog.

So I have begun pondering the possibility of adding another dog to our family. Sarah, as wonderful as she was, was a lot of work. I mean, a lot. She had to be crated when we left (even to go to the mailbox) because if she wasn't she'd eat herself nearly to death. In fact, all things edible had to be locked up like Fort Knox, and let me assure you that if there was ever a breach in security we were made to pay very dearly for it. She was hyper, even until just a few months before her death, and she barked all the time. She was high-maintenance. I love her, but I do not have room in our family for such a labor-intensive dog right now. I want a mellow, easy-going dog, the kind of dog who only eats food you put in her bowl. One who is good with kids, cats and other dogs, and who doesn't require a lot of coat maintenance. And speaking of coats, I don't think I could handle a dog that requires outerwear. It's enough work getting the kids dressed to go out in the winter, I don't want to have to dress anyone else, especially a dog who may potentially go out twenty or so times a day. I want a dog who is sturdy and can go on hikes, but doesn't require an outrageous amount of exercise. A puppy is utterly out of the question on both practical and philosophical grounds. I don't want to deal with the nipping, chewing and house training, and I would rather give a home to an adult dog who needs one rather than adopting a cute lovable puppy who will be snatched up in an instant. And as for buying a puppy - let me just say, over my dead body.

I've often thought that I'd love a greyhound, but I think they require outerwear, and I'm not sure they would pass in the sturdy department. I like German Shepherds but they have a lot of coat - and probably too much in the brains department too. I don't really like little dogs, though the idea of a beagle has crossed my mind. But the truth is that we're probably lab people for life. The key is getting one of those big lazy ones instead of the wiry ones who bounce off the walls. I know that when the time is right a dog will find us who is right for our family. In the meantime, maybe I won't take Sarah's crate down just yet.

A Little Perspective

2010-02-17T18:41:00.005-05:00

My car has required extensive (not to mention expensive!) repairs twice in the last week. First, the battery and alternator went, and then four days after getting it back from the mechanic the brakes went.

Since John and his car are out of town, I needed to rent a car. So what this looked like went something like this: I dropped my car off at the mechanic at the crack of dawn in the snow, and had the rental car guy meet me there. I had to switch all my stuff, and two car seats, into the minivan they gave me - did I mention the snow? Then we had to all go to the rental car place to fill out the paperwork, and then we were off to an Attachment Parenting Support Group meeting. Of course, by the time we went back home, the driveway was a sheet of ice and I couldn't get the minivan up so I had to walk up carrying Harry (who hates the snow) and hoping Bess didn't face plant and require stitches. Then this morning, back down the frozen driveway into the minivan for school. Unfortunately, due to all the snow and freezing temperatures, the sliding doors were frozen shut, so we all had to climb into the backseat through the front to get into car seats. You'd think I would have enough foresight to go in through the passenger side, but I didn't - so I had to sit in snow for the entire ride. And the best part was that even though I didn't manage to open the doors enough to get in, I did manage to open them enough to make the car beep at me the entire ride to school to notify me that the door was ajar. Then back home, walk back up the driveway, then back down the driveway, back to the rental car place, back to the mechanic, car seats and stuff back into my car, and now all is well. This is all within a thirty-six hour window.

I am sure I don't need to tell you how irritating, not to mention exhausting, I found this whole extravaganza. I was especially irritated this morning when we were fifteen minutes late for (the first day of) school (in the past week because of snow and the holiday). On the way home, I started to think about how my thinking was making me think this whole thing was so annoying. The truth is, some people actually live in houses made of ice and hunt with spears to feed their families. Some people have to walk miles to get water, and then have to carry it home on their heads. Some kids never go to school, never learn to read and write. Some people can't afford a safe car, or any car at all. And I'm tired and aggravated because I had to move some car seats and walk up my driveway?

Isn't it funny how we can get so wrapped up in our own little thing that we totally lose sight of the big picture?

Keeping Informed

2010-02-16T19:09:00.004-05:00

I really believe that Accurate Information is the foundation of humane parenting - and humane living, for that matter. I sometimes think how blessed we are to have so much great information at our fingertips. Other times I feel like I am drowning in information, and I am spending so much time researching that I don't spend enough time living the life I am trying to learn how to live.

Two tools that have helped me to organize my information-seeking behavior are:

GoodReads.com - I have this habit of reading about a book and thinking that it sounds fascinating, so I order it from inter library loan. Then I get it and either end up having more books than I could possibly read at one time, or deciding that it wasn't all that interesting after all, but I feel obligated to read it because the library went to the trouble of getting it for me. What I do now when I hear about a book that sounds interesting is add it to my Good Reads list under To-Read, and then when I return a book I check the list to see what I want to get next. I also keep track of what I've read and include a brief review so that I remember what the book was about.

Google Reader - I do not think I am overstating things when I say that Google Reader has changed my life! I believe that blogs are one of the most important tools we have right now for sharing ideas and information in real time, but I was also finding that keeping up with them all was a drag. I was using RSS and it would take me FOREVER, hours literally, to read them all every couple of days. I'd get frustrated and stop after awhile, and then many of the things that would have interested me didn't get read until the information was already out of date. Now, with Google Reader, I can very quickly scroll through my blogs and news sources, read what interests me, and leave the rest - and I can even do this on my phone while I'm picking Bess up from school or waiting for an appointment!

What are your information gathering strategies?

Online Learning Opportunity for Humane Parents

2010-02-15T10:47:00.002-05:00

Raising a Humane Child is a month-long distance learning course for parents who wish to bring the principles and practices of humane education to their child-rearing and family life. Humane education focuses on providing people with the tools, knowledge and inspiration to create a just, compassionate, sustainable world for all.

Developed for parents with children of any age, Raising a Humane Child will expand parents’ strategies to help them bring humane education concepts and values to their children and manifest their vision for a better world, starting with their family. Participants will learn to help their children become more compassionate citizens and to make choices that demonstrate respect for the environment, other species and all people.

Course Dates: March 1-26, 2010

Course Advisor: Mary Pat Champeau is director of M.Ed and Certificate programs at IHE and has been a teacher for thirty years, beginning as a Peace Corps volunteer in Niger, 1979-1981. Her experience includes teaching in community-based refugee and immigrant programs in NYC, as well as teaching creative writing at NYU, working as a teacher trainer in Southeast Asian refugee camps, and coordinating language and culture programs for the World Trade Institute. She has an M.A. from NYU. Mary Pat is also the mother of two teenage children and an adopted pre-school age daughter from China.

About Our Distance Learning Courses: The Institute for Humane Education’s month-long distance learning courses immerse participants in a process of connecting with their
deepest values and helping them discover the inspiration, knowledge, tools and community they need to help create a more humane world. Each course includes:
• a course book
• a booklet of exercises
• links to relevant resources
• access to the Online Commons for engaging with fellow students and the course advisor(s)
• guidance and feedback from the course advisor(s)
• participation in one or more course salons (conference calls)
• a certificate of completion and/or Continuing Education Credits, if desired

Between the course assignments and the Online Commons, participants should be prepared to devote an average of 90 minutes a day to their course.

About the Institute for Humane Education: The Institute for Humane Education (IHE) is a non-profit, 501(c)(3) educational organization dedicated to fostering peace, sustainability and compassion through humane education. Headquartered in Surry, Maine, IHE has been training humane educators and promoting humane education since 1996. Co-founded by IHE President Zoe Weil, IHE:
• Created the first humane education certificate program in the United States.
• Created the first Master of Education in Humane Education in the U.S.
• Has trained thousands of humane educators reaching tens of thousands of students.
• Has reached hundreds of thousands of people and communities worldwide through our distance
learning programs and courses, our workshops, and our presentations, publications and resources.

IHE believes that human rights, environmental preservation and animal protection are interconnected and integral dimensions of a healthy, just society, so we must seek solutions to global problems that truly work for all people, animals and the earth. IHE’s humane education and humane educator training programs instill in others the belief that a humane, just and sustainable world is possible. Our programs and resources fuel the desire and capacity to live with compassion, integrity and wisdom. Participants in IHE’s programs put the knowledge and tools they gain with us into action in meaningful, far-reaching ways.

Find out more about IHE and our programs and resources:
http://humaneeducation.org
Institute for Humane Education • P.O. Box 260, Surry, ME 04684
(207) 667-1025 Phone • (877) 544-1025 Fax • info@HumaneEducation.org
www.HumaneEducation.org

Mom-Actualization

2010-02-02T16:15:00.003-05:00

I just came across this blog post from The Happiest Mom called Mother's Hierarchy of Needs. It reminded me of a friend who told me the story of her first day back at work after her oldest child was born. She was in her office sobbing, and a co-worker asked if she was sorry to be leaving her new baby. No, my friend replied, she was crying because she wasn't the kind of mom who wanted to stay home full-time with her kids.

Financially, my friend does not need to work. But her need to work is real, if not as compelling as the need of a woman who struggles to put food on her table to find paid employment. She is comfortably able to meet her family's physical and security needs and is therefore able to tend to her own higher needs.

Personally, I also struggle with the fact that I don't want to be at home with my kids all the time. I feel guilty that I envy (and I don't think envy is too strong a word) my husband every time he puts on clothes that are free of wrinkles and stains and walks out the door to spend time alone in the car, followed by stimulating adult conversation and more time alone in the car to listen to something that isn't Music Together on the radio.

I have my finger in a lot of projects, and I am often asked how I manage to do it all. This is a humbling and baffling question for me because I feel that I don't do much of it particularly well, and I feel that I may be not be offering my kids enough mommy time, especially when I have a lot of things all coming to a head all at the same time. I joke that it is ADHD and caffeine that keeps me going, but the truth is that I need to do what I do for my own sanity. If I don't get a chance to have time for contemplation and reading, to explore thoughts and have interesting conversations, I am miserable. And a miserable Mommy is...well, not a very good Mommy.

Am I depriving my children of something important? Maybe. I'll never know, but I also think I am giving them a gift. I am providing an example of curiosity, and motivation, and open-mindedness and commitment that maybe they will follow someday.

Humane Parenting, Lesson One

2010-01-23T09:37:00.004-05:00

Now that I am done (DONE!) with my thesis, I am enjoying the opportunity to read for pleasure - though, strangely, my "pleasure" reading looks an awful lot like my "school" reading. Anyway, right now I am working through Education and the Significance of Life by J. Krishnamurti (nice, light reading, kind of like a Harlequin romance novel - NOT!), and I am loving it. It's short and surprisingly easy to read, and chock full of profound nuggets of wisdom.

One of the ideas that really caught my eye is this: "Fear perverts intelligence and is one of the causes of self-centered action." When I read this, I began thinking about Lawrence Kohlberg and the stages of moral development, and the idea that we cannot meet our higher needs for connection and development if our most basic needs, such as those for food, water, shelter and safety, are not met.

I began thinking about some of the more self-centered people I know. (Forgive the judgemental-sounding term, maybe ego-attached people would be better. Or maybe not.) I often find that these people are not "bad" or unkind people, it's just that their first reaction to situations is often to consider the impact on themselves. I began to consider the fact that this could be a reaction to some deep-seated fear: namely, the fear that if they don't look out for themselves, if they don't ensure that their needs are met, then no one else will. They don't trust the world to provide for them.

And I began thinking that, for all the consideration I've been giving to finding ways to teach children about diversity, and responsibility, and creativity, and all those things, maybe the first thing we should consider as humane parents is what I included last in my thesis: Respectful Parenting. Perhaps none of the teaching and lecturing and modelling will do any good if our children do not feel safe enough in the world to be able to turn their attention to the needs of others. Perhaps we need to, first and foremost, ensure that our children have confidence that they are loved and cared for in this world, no matter what, and know that compassion will grow from there.

International Aid

2010-01-14T08:33:00.004-05:00

News of the devastating earthquake in Haiti is all over the airwaves, newspapers and Internet. Millions of people are suffering unspeakably due to lack of food, drinkable water, basic services, or the loss of a loved one(s). Aid organizations are mobilizing around the globe, and donations are pouring in.

My question is this: why is it that Haiti, one of the poorest countries in the world and THE poorest in the western hemisphere, all of a sudden deserves the world's attention on Tuesday when it didn't deserve the attention on Monday? We should always help a neighbor in crisis, but Haiti has been in crisis for a long time.

Some of the reports that I've read argue that much of the devastation in the city of Port au Prince could have been avoided had the buildings there been built properly. However, they were not built well because there wasn't enough money to do the job right, or if there was money it went to corrupt government officials instead of to materials and labor. I cannot confirm or deny the accuracy of these reports not being a contractor nor having ever been to Haiti, but certainly that country's history suggests that this report is likely true. Haiti has been ruled by one militaristic despot after another for the past several centuries, and is isolated from the world by trade embargoes that do not seem to have a warming effect on the country's totalitarian leaders.

The pain and suffering the Haitian people are enduring right now is heartbreaking. I hope that many survivors are found and are given treatment, and that basic services are restored quickly. I am glad that so many people are finally having their eyes opened to the everyday living conditions of many of the people in Haiti, and that if anything good can come of this horrible tragedy it is that people are mobilized to help, not just in the short-term, but over time to improve the lives of these poor and downtrodden people.

Boys and Girls

2010-01-10T15:20:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I had the pleasure of attending a Reggio Emilia roundtable at my daughter's school. This is a monthly event put on by the New Jersey Educators Exploring the Practice of Reggio Emilia and is held at a different location each month. They also organize trips to Italy to visit the schools where it all began - I'll add that to my To-Do list.

Anyway, yesterday's discussion was about how to manage long-term projects in the classroom, and one of the issues that came up was that of how boys and girls tend to segregate themselves at the younger ages, and how they tend to do things differently from each other. This is something that has become increasingly interesting to me as my kids have become older and I am seeing the differences between my son and daughter emerge. I'm sure many of the differences between them are particular to them as individuals, but there are also some highly stereotypical gender differences that are appearing and becoming stronger. My daughter is all about pink and sparkles and drama, and my son is obsessed with trucks and sports. Now, I am in no way a pink sparkles person, and while my husband is definitely a sports guy, cars and machines are of no interest to him whatsoever, so whatever proclivities my kids are showing in these areas are their own.

One of Bess' teachers used the opportunity to express her concern over the boys' attraction to guns, and her uncertainty about how to handle it. In striving for a child-led learning environment, she wondered, what do you do if the children want to do a project that the teacher does not want to do? Again, as a humane educator, this is something that is very interesting to me and something that I am asked about often - at nearly every talk I give, I am asked "Humane Parenting, blah blah blah - what do I do about my son's need to turn sticks, blocks, and slices of bread into a lethal weapon?" The ubiquity of the question, both in my reading and in my personal experience, leads me to this conclusion: boys' attraction to gun play is archetypal, and it is gender-specific. It is a way of dealing with questions of gender identity, of power and weakness, and of persuasion.

I know this may sound strange coming from a militant feminist such as myself, but I am going to say it anyway. Boys and girls are different from each other. That's not to say that some boys don't do things that we typically consider feminine, and certainly not to say that girls can't do or be anything they want to. However, it is the height of hubris to think that millennia of natural selection, which designed female humans to serve different functions than male humans in terms of the survival of the species, no longer apply to humans. We may consider ourselves to be the most evolved of all animals, but we're still animals.

Female humans are designed to nurture new and growing life. Male humans are designed, from a physical, psychological, and social perspective, to do something different. They are better equipped to hunt game (a woman with a sometimes noisy and often cumbersome infant tied to her breast or a tantruming toddler hanging on her leg is not likely to have much success sneaking up on a gazelle) and to do other physical tasks. While some modern societies are increasingly expecting men to do some of the nurturing, and many of the physical tasks that used to be required for our species' survival are becoming obsolete, that does not necessarily change the way we are wired.

War is not inevitable, and I am in no way advocating violence as an acceptable conflict resolution strategy. I am a hard-core pacifist all the way. However, I do believe that it is inevitable - healthy, even - that young boys will be driven to explore their physicality and to express some of their aggressive feelings in a more physical way than many girls do, for whatever reason (biological, social, whatever - I don't pretend to know the answer to that one). I believe that by teaching our sons about the realities of violence, and giving them safe and constructive outlets for their curiosity about violence, we will raise them to be more kind, compassionate, and nurturing men.

Teaching Empathy - Mission Impossible???

2010-01-06T11:22:00.002-05:00

Lisa Belkin posted on her Motherlode blog the question, Can You Teach Empathy to Children? As someone who has spent the better half of the past five years trying to do just that, and the better half of the past year also writing about how to do just that, my answer is, "I sure hope so!" I see her point, but I think the question is better phrased this way: Can You Teach Empathy to Children by Requiring them to do Service Projects? To that, I think my answer would be "Not really."

In theory, service requirements are good, I guess. Get children out there, in the real world, and maybe they'll learn a bit about how good they really have it while making a positive contribution to their communities. The problem is, I think it often loses something in the translation. They see service learning as another thing to add to college applications, and don't really commit themselves to the cause. Instead of immersing themselves in a cause they really believe in, they often look for the project requiring the least commitment and effort they can get away with. The fact of the matter is that kids who would get something out of it would do it anyway, and the ones who wouldn't, well, I think the non-profit sector is often better off without them.

But as for the question of whether we can teach empathy to children, now that's something altogether different. Research shows that by modeling empathy and respect for self and others, by practicing autonomy-supportive parenting, by nurturing creativity and critical thinking among our children, they are more likely to be empathetic and to reach high levels of moral functioning. But it's not a six hour investment, please sign my time log and thank you very much. It's a lifelong investment that we, as parents, begin to make from the moment our children are born by treating them with empathy, respect and love.

Two Months? Really?!?!?!

2010-01-05T10:34:00.003-05:00

Has it really been that long since I've been here? Shame on me!

Well, it's not like I've been sitting around eating bon-bons on the couch. Mostly, I've had my head down, plowing towards the finish line that is my Master of Education degree. I am proud and relieved to say that my Independent Learning Project is complete, all 100 pages and 30,000 words of it, and now I - Kelly Coyle DiNorcia, M.Ed. - am ready to re-commit myself to everything else that I've been neglecting.

The beginning of a new year is just the time to be doing that, right? New Year's Resolutions and all that jazz? At our house, we've taken a different path towards self-improvement. John got the family a Vision Board that we've hung in the dining room, with pen and paper nearby for whenever the inspiration strikes us. When something comes up that requires some work, personal development, or commitment, we manifest it in the physical Universe by writing our intention on a slip of paper and putting it in the board. I think I'm the only one who has used it so far, but that's okay. So far, I have set my intention to be more patient with my children (which I'm hoping will be a bit easier now that I don't have this huge deadline looming over my head), to commit myself to a regular spiritual practice, and to develop my ILP into a book. I also plan to recommit myself to blogging, because I love the opportunity to explore my thoughts, send them out into the Universe, and get feedback. I hope you'll join me!

Can We Change the World?

2009-11-10T12:29:00.005-05:00

A friend sent me this article this morning, called We Cannot Change the World by Changing our Buying Habits by George Monbiot:

• In a consumer democracy, some people have more votes than others, and those with the most votes are the least inclined to change a system that has served them so well.

• A change in consumption habits is seldom effective unless it is backed up by government action. You can give up your car for a bicycle - and fair play to you - but unless the government is simultaneously reducing the available road space, the place you've vacated will just be taken by someone who drives a less efficient car than you would have driven (traffic expands to fill the available road-space). Our power comes from acting as citizens - demanding political change - not acting as consumers.

• We are very good at deceiving ourselves about our impacts. We remember the good things we do and forget the bad ones.

Read the whole thing here.

So....huh. What about that? I have to agree with a lot of what he says in that people think that by doing some fairly simple and popular things, such as recycling, they can identify themselves as "green". Personally, I think that the whole idea of promoting things like recycling and eco-products as "environmentalism" is misleading at best, harmful at worst. By giving people the impression that recycling, for example (can you tell this is one of my pet peeves?) helps the environment they can continue consuming away without a thought as long as they separate their plastic and glass at the end of the week. In reality, though, while recycling is better than putting waste in a landfill, and better than mining or making raw materials, it requires just as much energy, if not more, to make something out of something old, not to mention that there is considerable waste produced in the process.

I also agree that personal action is not enough, and we need to advocate for human rights, animal protection and the environment every chance we get. However, I think that personal action is important, both for the positive impact it makes and for the positive psychological impact it has on activists. It can be frustrating to work for change, but as long as we can see ways that we are making a difference in our own lives we can continue to feel good and hopeful in a way we might not otherwise be able to.

So I think this article is right and wrong. For people not inclined to look more deeply into the issues, they may be lulled into a sense of green-ness by some relatively insignificant actions, but I think these actions are still helpful. And for those who are willing to look deeper, then I think personal action is the wellspring from which all change will flow.

If I Ran the Zoo

2009-10-27T10:09:00.005-04:00

(I'm on a kind of Dr. Seuss kick these days....)

Last week we took the kids to visit the Bronx Zoo. Therefore, I also got to re-visit my ambivalence about zoos in general.

Of course, the Bronx Zoo is one of the better ones. Most of the enclosures (with the notable exception of the polar bear exhibit - YIKES!) are not so bad, and they are given some enrichment activities. They have animals there that do not exist any more in the wild, and I had lots of chances to talk with Bess about extinction, and habitat loss, and hunting, and "do you think the animals like being here?" and respect. I do think there is nothing quite like the experience of hearing a lion roar twenty-five feet away from you to help people get a very real connection to the natural world.

That said....they're still in cages (okay, "enclosures"; To-may-to, to-mah-to). They're still away from their natural habitats, and unable to exhibit many of their natural behaviors. It may be good for the species, but I don't think anyone could argue that the individual animals benefit from their captivity. I just don't know.

As for Harry, he was in a pretty foul mood that day. I don't really blame him, he got two molars the next day:

I'll try to get up some more photos later, but Blogger isn't feeling cooperative today and I'm done fighting with the computer for right now.

Cultivating Compassion

2009-10-24T20:20:00.004-04:00

I have been a little spotty on the blogging lately. I am focused on my thesis, which is about how parents can help their young children to be humane. I just sent my introduction to my advisor, who gave me some phenomenal feedback as to a major element missing from my project.

Namely, this: why bother? Why do we want to teach our children to be humane? What's in it for them?

Good question. I've been giving it a lot of thought, and quite honestly I'm coming up seriously short on answers. It feels good to be compassionate, in my opinion, but why? Is it some complicated "Selfish Gene" calculus that tells us if I'm nice to someone today, they'll be nice to me when I need them tomorrow? Is it a social construct, related to religion or a secular Golden Rule? Why does being nice make us happy?

I'm open to suggestions, but in the meantime I turned up something worthwhile in my research:

A Guide to Cultivating Compassion in Your Life

Check it out. I especially like #3, the Commonalities Practice. "Just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his/her life," etc. Good stuff.

Hate Doesn't Heal Anything

2009-10-18T18:13:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I went to the Natural Living Conference put on by the Holistic Moms Network. It's a wonderful, inspiring event every year and this one was no different. Naomi Aldort spoke in the morning, and though I think she can be a little hard-core on the Attachment Parenting thing sometimes (especially her view on schooling) I got a lot of great ideas from what she had to say. There were lots of great vendors and it was nice to connect with some friends during lunch that I don't get to see very often.

The first afternoon session was a breakout session, and I attended a talk by Pamela Rich about the Heal Your Life work of Louise Hay. I was so impressed by the speaker - she was genuine, real and funny. She said a lot of thought-provoking and profound things, but one thing really stuck out in my mind. She asked us to think of a limiting thought we have, and one woman volunteered that she often thinks about how polluted our world is.

As background....the Heal Your Life work (as I understand it, anyway) is based on the idea that our thoughts are creative, and that we can transform our experience of reality by changing the way we think about it. I believe this to be true; however, the participant had a valid question. The world just is polluted, no matter what we think about it. In fact, perhaps by choosing to ignore the pollution around ourselves, we may even contribute to the problem. How can we transform this thought in our lives into something positive?

I thought Pam's answer was fantastic, and something that we all can incorporate into our lives. We cannot change other people's behavior, but what we can do is hold people in compassion and understand that they are doing the best they can with the knowledge and information they have in the moment. Nothing, she said, has ever been healed by hate. The only way we can heal anything is through love.

Wow. How true.

What an amazing lesson this is for parents and for activists. We may not like what someone is doing - hitting her brother, eating meat, dumping toxic chemicals in a local river - but the only way we can ever make a positive difference is by choosing love. Getting angry at our child for hitting someone else only escalates the anger - instead, we can choose to feel compassion for a child who is so angry or frustrated that her only way of expressing herself is through violence. We can judge someone for eating something we wouldn't, but that only closes off our hearts (and theirs as well, probably) - instead, we can choose to be thankful to the animal who sacrificed his life to become another person's food. Waging a war of words with a corporation over their polluting practices will most often result in a stalemate, where we judge them as irresponsible and they judge us as fanatical - instead, we can choose to find common ground and start to build a friendship from there.

As Pam said, forgiveness does not imply in any way that the other person's behavior is at all okay with us. It simply means that we let go of our anger about it, and accept the situation for what it is, and move on. I love that - it goes along with the whole Buddhist idea that suffering comes from our failure to live in the moment. The past and the future are not real, but when we remain attached to what happened in the past, or what might happen in the future, we suffer. If we can let go of that and simply live in the present, our anger disappears. What a beautiful, peaceful, sustainable world we would live in if everyone did this!

First Snow

2009-10-16T12:17:00.005-04:00

Yesterday we had our first snow of the season. It wasn't much - a couple of very wet inches, barely enough to make a snowball or a snow angel, but definitely enough to make everything white and sparkly. I know a lot of people don't really like the cold wetness of winter in these parts, but I love it and I think it is pure magic.

Somehow, the house suddenly feels smaller when it begins to snow, but in a good way. When the weather is nice the windows are open, the door is usually open to allow the comings and goings of dogs and kids, and it feels like the outside is an extension of our house. But when the winter comes, suddenly the outside becomes less like an extra room and more like a photograph that we look at through the windows. I love the cozy feeling of being hunkered down inside, together, making our traditional first-snow meal of chili in the crock pot and drying mittens and boots in the laundry room. Especially when we don't have anywhere to go and anything we have to do, and we can just sit on the couch cuddling under blankets and reading a book, and time becomes long and lazy, the passing of hours almost too slow to notice until it's suddenly night and time to have dinner, take a nice warm bath and slip into some toasty PJs.

This morning, Bess and I were up early hanging out in the living room, and she called to me excitedly to look out the window. There were three of our neighbor deer grazing in the snow in front of our house, and they all picked their heads up to look back at us. There were still a few flakes falling and it reminded me of a holiday card, so beautiful, serene, sublime.

Global Climate Change - What's Trash Got to Do With It?

2009-10-15T09:58:00.003-04:00

In honor of Blog Action Day powered by Change.org and the final day of our trash reduction Eco-Challenge sponsored by the Northwest Earth Institute, I decided to try and count the ways that reducing our trash output reduces our greenhouse gas production.

1. Less fuel burned to ship trash to landfills.
2. Less methane produced as trash degrades in landfills.
3. Less packaging produced = less fuel burned to produce packaging.
4. Also less fuel burned to mechanically package products, and to ship packing materials.
5. Recycled products require less energy to produce than products made from virgin materials.
6. Using fewer raw materials requires less destruction of carbon-sequestering plants such as trees.

Anything else you can think of???

Mindful Parenting Meditation

2009-10-13T12:59:00.006-04:00

So, I'm on a big mindfulness kick right now. Bear with me.

One of my big struggles is being present when I'm with my kids. I'm not one of those moms who loves sitting on the floor playing trains for two hours (not that I've met many who are, now that I think about it) and my mind is always racing with the dozens of other things I could be "getting done" with that time. When Bess was very small I found a quote by Patricia Clafford that I really liked and hung it up in my home office:

The work will wait while you show the child the rainbow, but the rainbow won't wait while you do the work.

I try to remind myself of this, that the laundry and the bills will always be there but I have only a short time to spend with my children before they grow up and away. So here is my new Parenting Meditation:

Breathing in, I know that the work will wait.
Breathing out, I know that the rainbow will not wait.
In breath, work will wait.
Out breath, rainbow will not wait.

Try it!

I am home.

2009-10-12T18:25:00.008-04:00

The day and a half that I spent with Thich Nhat Hanh and the monastics of Blue Cliff Monastery was nothing short of amazing. I left feeling rested, energized and inspired, and anxious to learn more about Buddhism. We had two dharma talks

morning chants, lunch meditation, deep meditation

and the most amazing walking meditation outside on streets closed to traffic.

I've always been fascinated by the lessons of compassion, peace and patience taught by Zen Buddhism, but could never quite figure out how to incorporate a practice into my life. I am anxious, after this weekend, to find a way to do so.

Peaceful Action, Open Heart

2009-10-09T12:54:00.004-04:00

I am very excited that I will be spending tonight and tomorrow learning from the beloved Vietnamese Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh. So for today, a quote:

"A bodhisattva is someone who has compassion within himself or herself and who is able to make another person smile or help someone suffer less. Every one of us is capable of this.”

Garbage is Boring.

2009-10-07T16:08:00.005-04:00

There, I've said it. Boring. B-O-R-I-N-G. We've been doing this challenge for less than a week, and I don't know what else to say about it. I'm tapped out.

We're still doing it, of course. Buying food with less packaging. Carefully recycling. Composting. Re-using. Blah, blah, blah. It makes a difference, and it is definitely an area where my family NI (needs improvement, in the jargon of kindergarten report cards) but...it's not sexy. And it's not fun to write about buying carrots that are tied together with a rubber band instead of a plastic bag.

I am finding myself thinking that this BORING factor is one of the biggest obstacles facing the environmental movement. We know we need to save power, save fuel, throw out less stuff, decrease our carbon emissions, and those are the really important things. But when I surf around looking at "green" blogs (and believe me, I read a lot of them, though I am aware that there are probably literally hundreds of thousands that I've never heard of), these things are rarely mentioned.

One of my pet peeves are "green" blogs that feature frequent giveaways. I am sure that these contests drive traffic to the blogs, but is that really green? Should environmentalists be looking for the next slightly-lower-impact-product (and figuring out ways to ship said product to a reader who is potentially thousands of miles away)? Or should the goal be to decrease consumption overall? Are eco-friendly clothing/books/toys/whatevers turned into garbage any less frequently than their less-green alternatives? Is the green product boom just a way for us to continue our consumerist mindset while feeling less guilty about it?

So...I've digressed from garbage. But I'm sure you'll forgive me. Garbage isn't any less boring to read about than it is to write about.

Homemade Notebook

2009-10-05T13:39:00.011-04:00

One of our family's big areas of focus during our Trash Reduction Challenge is to find other ways to use "garbage". For one thing, it reduces the amount of things we throw out, but for another, if we can make things we need out of things we already have, we don't need to buy as much.

This weekend, Bess wanted to create a nature journal where she could draw and collect leaves and flowers, so we made one ourselves out of things we otherwise would have thrown away - scrap office paper, cardboard, and packing paper.

There are several websites that show how to make fancy bound books at home. I can't vouch for any of them since I haven't used them, but if you're really interested in the official way to do it, a Google search will return more ideas than you know what to do with.

First, we cut two pieces of stiff cardboard slightly larger than a standard sheet of office paper, and a piece of packing paper slightly larger than the two pieces of cardboard with a small space left between them for the "spine" spine of the book. We glued the cardboard to the paper, and then wrapped and glued the edges.

Next, we took about thirty sheets of scrap office paper and punched holes in them using a three-hole punch. We used twine to tie the papers together so that they would lie flat.

We glued the first and last pages to the covers so that the edges of the paper were in line with the inside edges of the cardboard covers. We propped up the inside pages so that the covers could dry without the pages sticking together.

And - voila! Bess decorated the cover and we're ready to journal!

Just Two Words

2009-10-04T06:33:00.003-04:00

Today's thought for reducing waste:

Diva Cup

Need I say more?

Garbage Haiku

2009-10-03T10:32:00.003-04:00

Our family is participating in the Northwest Earth Institute Eco-Challenge, and our challenge is to reduce the amount of trash we produce as a family. When I told my husband that the goal is to throw out less garbage, he asked me, "Then what are we supposed to do with it?" Make less, silly!

So in honor of the start of our challenge, I have written a Garbage Haiku:

We toss too much trash.
Two full cans a week sometimes!
This week, just one bag?

I'll continue to blog on our progress throughout the Challenge, which ends on October 15. If you'd like to make a pledge on behalf or our family, please click here.

An Auspicious Day

2009-10-02T16:39:00.006-04:00

AhimsaMama would be remiss if she did not take a moment to acknowledge Mahatma Gandhi, who was born 140 years ago today.

Here is my favorite explanation of the concept of Ahimsa - it comes from a conversation between Gandhiji and Dr. Howard Thurman, an African-American minister and writer:

...without a direct active expression of it, non-violence to my mind is meaningless. It is the greatest and the activist force in the world. One cannot be passively non-violent. In fact 'non-violence' is a term I had to coin in order to bring out the root meaning of Ahimsa. In spite of the negative particle 'non', it is no negative force. Superficially we are surrounded in life by strife and bloodshed, life living upon life. But some great seer, who ages ago penetrated the centre of truth, said: It is not through strife and violence but through non-violence that man [sic] can fulfil his destiny and his duty to his fellow creatures. It is a force which is more positive than electricity, and more powerful than even ether. At the centre [sic] of non-violence is a force which is self-acting. Ahimsa means 'love' in the Pauline sense, and yet something more than the 'love' defined by St. Paul, although I know St. Paul's beautiful definition is good enough for all practical purposes. Ahimsa includes the whole creation, and not only human. Besides 'love' in the English language has other connotations, and so I was compelled to use the negative word. But it does not, as I have told you, express a negative force, but a force superior to all the forces put together. One person who can express Ahimsa in life exercises a force superior to all the forces of brutality.

BooksBooksBooksBooks!!!!

2009-10-01T16:28:00.004-04:00

As my readers know, I love books. LOVE them. I had a library built to house them in my house. I still have boxes of them in the attic, even after filling all the shelves in my library. I use them as decorations, as furniture, as friends, as escape...I cannot fully express my love for books. Like, my list of my greatest loves in my life would do like this: my kids, my husband, and then tied for third would be my mom, grandmother, sister, and my books. Okay, maybe books would be fourth, but it would be close. ;)

I like to own my books, because I like to loan the ones that move me to other people - to set them free, as it were. However, I have come to realize that not only is this expensive, but it is not exactly green. There are many things about the publishing industry - paper, printing, distribution - that give me pause. I started trying to buy books used, but that's still expensive. Now, I try to take them out of the library, and then only buy them if I really feel that they are a necessary addition to my personal collection. Luckily, the reference librarians in town here are just lovely, and don't seem to mind tracking down obscure titles from libraries three states away. So far.

Anyway....I just came across a website for a company called Better World Books, and I am in love with them! They sell new and used books (with no shipping charge) and donate a portion of their proceeds to high-impact education and literacy organizations around the world, such as Books for Africa, Invisible Children, Room to Read and Worldfund. They sponsor book drives and collect used books, saving them from landfills and turning them into money for literacy projects. I love it!

Just Another Day on the Farm

2009-09-30T16:18:00.004-04:00

This week during Farm Chores, the kids collected all the walnuts that had fallen from the trees

and learned how to open them with the "cracker" (I'm not sure if that is the official name of that particular piece of farm equipment).

Even Harry got in on the act

until one fell from the tree and clocked him - then it wasn't so much fun any more. Otherwise, another great day at Soulshine Farm.

The Great Play Doh Experiment

2009-09-29T19:17:00.003-04:00

Bess' teachers had mentioned that they wanted to do play doh this week casually, but it was nothing but casual to me. She has Celiac Disease, and even touching gluten can cause her a reaction - so regular play doh is out for her. Luckily, I had a few recipes for gluten-free play doh and I offered to make some for the class.

We tried all the recipes I had (four of them), and this one was the winner:

1 1/2 cup white rice flour
1/2 cup corn starch
4 teaspoons cream of tartar
1 cup salt
2 cups hot water
food coloring, if desired

Mix all ingredients together and cook over medium heat until the mixture comes together and starts to pull away from the side of the pot. Add food coloring a little at a time while cooking until you achieve the desired color. Turn the mixture out onto a cutting board or wax paper and allow to cool. Once cool, knead until it reaches the desired consistency. Store in the fridge in an airtight container for up to six weeks.

The winning recipe (a.k.a. Blue) went to school with Bess, and she created a centerpiece with the others:

Shades of Gray, Part Two

2009-09-28T18:52:00.004-04:00

I am plowing my way through the August 23 New York Times Magazine - the one with the theme Saving the World's Women, that was inspired by the book Half the Sky: Turning Oppression Into Opportunity for Women Worldwide by Nicholas D. Kristoff and Sheryl WuDunn. I am really interested in the Girl Effect - namely, the idea that we can best make an impact on the world by investing in the health, education and empowerment of girls and women. Unfortunately, with the chaos that has been swirling around my home and family for the last month, I am finding it hard to get through all the articles.

Anyway....last week I was reading the excerpt from the book that was included in the Magazine, and there was a quote that stopped me dead in my tracks: "The only thing worse than being employed in a sweatshop is not being employed in a sweatshop."

Huh.

Huh?

I've been thinking about that one all weekend. I guess I can see the point that at least women who work in sweatshops (and it is almost ALWAYS women) have some money as opposed to none, which is a start. I guess that, when the other options are things like prostitution and being beaten and raped by your husband, a sweatshop might not be so bad.

But still...it just doesn't sit right with me.

If we refuse to purchase items made in sweatshops, are we taking money out of the pockets of poor women, who inevitably invest their earnings in the education and well-being of their children? If we accept that sweatshop employment is the lesser of two evils, and choose to purchase items made there, how do we advocate for the rights of the women who work there to be treated fairly, to be paid a living wage, to have reasonable hours and safe conditions? Perhaps if we boycott these products, then employers will offer them better pay and better treatment, which is still way less expensive than in more developed countries. Or, are we just lowering the bar, so that employers will offer their workers even less in order to maintain a profit margin?

Are we right to take work away from desperate women, women who may (or may not) consider a meal and a roof to be adequate compensation for eighty hours a week at a sewing machine when compared to their other alternatives?

ACCURATE INFORMATION OVERLOAD!!!

I am not saying that these conditions are fair, or acceptable. Personally, I think that the more we speak up, the more visibility we give to the issue, and the more we pressure employers to treat their workers fairly, the better off those workers will be. However, I do have to admit that coming from Kristoff and WuDunn, who worked in Asia for years among these people, the idea that sweatshops might actually be elevating the position of women did give me pause.

Shades of Gray

2009-09-25T15:44:00.004-04:00

When I first started on my humane/sustainable/green/social justice path, I was pretty rigid. I think that, like many people who concern themselves with the issues that I care about, I considered my carefully-crafted and well-researched opinions to be sacred and I had little tolerance for other points of view.

In my old(er) age, I've softened quite a bit. For one thing, as a mother of two young children, I no longer have the energy to get hysterical over what other people do, since the only thing I have any control over anyway is what I do. I have found that living an authentic life is the best PR around. But more importantly, I have become a student of diversity. Not diversity in the sense in which it is commonly used (i.e. a group of people with varying race, religious beliefs, cultures, etc.) but in the way that the word applies to the natural world.

Take pandas, for example. They eat one thing: bamboo. If something happens to the bamboo for some reason, like bad weather or some sort of invasive pest, the pandas are in big, big trouble. On the other hand you have rats, who can eat anything and will probably outlive us all (as a species). When you rely on one small niche for your survival, you are likely to run into problems at some point. If you can view all the world as your dinner, metaphorically speaking, you are in much better shape.

In the same way, I have come to see that there is no one path to compassion. Different people can move towards the same goal along very different paths. Take, for example, an article in the latest issue of Newsweek called "Are Locavores Really Green?" James E. McWilliams, author of a new book, Just Food: Where Locavores Get It Wrong and How We Can Truly Eat Responsibly argues that we need to come at the food issue from all angles - local food and global food system, organic food and pesticides and GMOs - in order to meet the world's needs.

While McWilliams supports local food and organic farming in principle, he thinks that we cannot possibly feed the entire global population using those methods. It may work for some and be sustainable, but we have to accept that the local food movement is not THE answer. (Nothing is THE answer, I would add.) It may take more energy, he says, to ship a few crates of food back and forth to the farmer's market than to ship tons of food over thousands of miles. When you consider that some of that non-local food may have been produced in a more appropriate environment for that particular plant, and therefore may have required less energy and water input, it may turn out that the net energy cost of a global food economy is lower than that of a food system built on local farms.

Maybe he's right. Personally, I think there is something to be said for his argument, to a degree. I happen to live in a part of the country where I can get much of my produce right off the farm, grown in season, for much of the year. Most of it is not grown organically, though I believe that a short farm-to-plate turnover renders it healthier than some organic alternatives on many different levels. I like to rely on local food as much as possible, but am not married to the concept. When I buy things that were not grown locally, I try to get them from neighborhood stores or small co-ops so that I am at least supporting a local business if not a local farmer. However, I also recognize that if I were a starving mother of six in Mozambique, some highly-processed GMO corn would look pretty darn good to me.

I think that any time we become really hard-core about anything, it is probably a good idea to take a step back and try to appreciate the nuances of the issue. Perhaps we are on the right track, and there is something to be said for passion and commitment...but there is also something to be said for diversity.

Learning Compassion

2009-09-24T09:01:00.010-04:00

Well, the highlight of our week has once again been farm chores at Soulshine Farm. We were running behind and I was tired, so I didn't think we'd be able to make it, but Bess insisted and I'm glad she did. The project for this week was cleaning out the pond, which was great fun and gave the kids an excuse to get uber-slimy.

They walked the fence to make sure there were no holes or loose posts where foxes could get in, and they helped to collect the eggs from the hens. Then, the ultimate in cool - Bess helped Farmer Brad to feed the bees!

Last week when the kids were helping to collect eggs, I heard Bess crying from the hen house. Apparently, once of the hens had scared her - she wasn't hurt, the hen didn't peck her, but she was startled. I made sure she was okay, but she didn't really want to talk much about it. I was concerned that she was going to have an ongoing fear of chickens, which would definitely put a cramp into my chicken flock scheme! But, the next morning on the way to school, she said, "You know Mom, I've been thinking about it, and I think that the chicken didn't like me taking her egg. She can't use words to tell me what she wants, so she flapped her wings to tell me to leave it alone." That's my girl! And this week she bravely helped Farmer Julie with the chickens again, though she wouldn't go in the hen house.

Nurturing Creativity

2009-09-23T09:53:00.001-04:00

I have always been interested in children's art, and in watching the way that they create and progress from scribbles (or, even earlier than that, eating crayons) to creating recognizable drawings. I often feel stress about Bess' art skills because they seem to lag behind those of her peers - she is still in the scribbling stage while others can write their names and draw things. However, I also feel that she will master those skills when she is ready, and that it is more important for her to explore her creative urges than to perform art in a certain way.

I signed her up for a local art class, more because I like the idea of her being around creative people than because I hope she'll learn some sort of "skills" from it. (I'm still not sufficiently evolved to allow Bess to paint with reckless abandon in my house, but I'm working on it!) So far, I haven't been disappointed - the teachers are wonderful and the projects are sufficiently open-ended that she is free to create whatever she wants. Here are her creations from last week:

and you can read some interesting articles about children's art here and here.

Green Travel

2009-09-22T09:36:00.004-04:00

Something that is always a hot topic among Humane Educators is the question of travel and its impact on the environment. On the one hand, Humane Educators as a group like to travel, to see different places and people, and often go to conferences as attendees or as presenters. However, we are also aware of the huge impact that travel, and air travel in particular, has on the environment.

So, when I went to Vancouver to give a talk on Humane Parenting in the spring, I became interested in the idea of using carbon offsets to help alleviate the impact of my trip. My travel agent, Roz at Skyland World Travel here in New Jersey, referred me to Carbonfund.org. This company allows you to purchase carbon offsets and even decide which program will be funded through your donation. In addition to carbon offsets, you can also purchase offsets for radiative forcing, which is the effect of the frozen vapor trails, called contrails, that are generated by aircraft and cause a net warming effect.

I am happy to say that my donation will be used to fund renewable energy projects such as the construction of wind farms, landfill methane projects (where the methane produced by landfills is destroyed), and a waste-to-energy biodigester. Of course, this is not a perfect solution to the problem of the impact of travel on the planet, but at least it's a start!

Building our New Family Rhythms

2009-09-18T14:24:00.007-04:00

This week we are working on getting the hang of the whole school thing. Honestly, I think it's harder for me than it is for Bess. The separation is hard, but I'm also not used to having restrictions on my schedule and it's hard for me to get it all straight. I feel like an air traffic controller, trying to get all my charges to where they need to be, when they need to be there, with clothes on their bodies and food in their stomachs as appropriate.

The most relaxing hour of our week was undoubtedly the one we spent at Soulshine Farm helping out with farm chores. To be quite honest, I'm not sure how much help the kids were, but Julie is extraordinarily patient and the kids sure had fun! Harry and I hung out and watched the animals while Bess helped to feed the chickens and collect the eggs, and put the horse and alpacas out to graze, and collect sunflower seeds and water the garden...all followed by a little fun in the pond.

My Kids heart Farmed Animals

2009-09-14T18:51:00.012-04:00

Well, it's been quite the busy week here at the DiNorcia home! Bess started school - and is doing fantastic so far, I might add. In fact, I'd say it's been much harder on Mommy than on Bess. We had a big weekend too - we went to see a youth production of Seussical the Musical to celebrate the first week of school

and on Sunday we went to the 1920's Country Fair and Harvest Festival at Fosterfields Living Historical Farm in Morristown. We learned all about the music of the era, about making butter and cider - but the best part was, of course, the animals! Harry loved them so much he actually climbed into the sheep enclosure, and I could not peel Bess away from the chickens and Ginger the one-eyed horse. I may convince John to agree to getting a flock of chickens yet!

Art is Sacred

2009-09-08T15:19:00.004-04:00

This morning we had nursery orientation at Bess' school. I have mixed emotions about her starting - mostly I'm excited, but I'm also a little sad that she's growing up and away. I'll enjoy the quiet time in the mornings, but I'll miss her too.

One of the new teachers at the school, Darcy, worked at an early childhood center and talked about their approach to art. "Art is sacred" she said, meaning that adults should never interfere in the creative process of a child.

I believe that is true, and I wish I had heard it sooner than I first did which was about a year ago. Prior to that time, I would try to entice Bess to color or draw by sitting down and doing it alongside her, but I found that all she wanted to do is watch me color and draw. I think that she became frustrated when her creations didn't look as "good", or polished, as mine, so she decided not to even bother trying. It has been a year since I learned of my mistake, and it has taken that long for her to overcome her art aversion. She is just starting to enjoy coloring and drawing, and especially enjoys making collages with paint, beads, glitter, and whatever else is around.

I look forward to a year of creativity and support at her new school!

No Opportunity Wasted

2009-09-07T15:06:00.001-04:00

John's hockey team won their morning game today, so we had some time to pass until they played in the finals at 2 pm. We went back to the hotel to swim (Bess) and nap (Harry), but I wanted to make sure the kids were good and tired before we packed them in the car for a long and potentially traffic-filled trip home.

We went to a nearby playground so they could blow off some steam. The place was great - they had a big play structure for the big kids and a small one for the little kids (perfect for Harry's size), and a skate park, basketball courts, and walking/biking/skating/scootering trails. I unleashed the kids, and then noticed something that I had observed a few times before. They didn't really care for the play structures and seemed kind of bored. Harry wanted to play with a basketball he found, rolling it down the stairs and watching it bounce, and all Bess wanted to do was make new friends. Compare this with the time they spent at the Botanical Society yesterday or Walden Pond the day before, where they were entertained for hours making fairy houses, watching the fish swim and wandering through the woods.

I began to think about this as a metaphor for modern parenting in general. We structure so much of our children's time and give them ready-made playthings, when all they really want to do is check out their world and use their imaginations. We want their playtime to be efficient, and give them slides, swings, and monkey bars to play on so they can get their exercise in a limited amount of time and space. (As a side note, the play structure also had the alphabet, the numbers through twenty, and several geometric shapes with their names carved onto the side, I guess in case the structure itself were not enough intellectual stimulation for the pre-verbal children using it.) In the city, I can see why this is desirable as places for safe play are in short supply. But Marlborough, Massachusetts? You can't throw a stone without hitting a beautiful outdoor setting where children can run, play and explore.

All in all it ended up fine. Some of the sisters from the team played Aliens with the kids while I watched the game, and we made it home in record time and with minimal screaming from the backseat. But consider the lesson learned.

The Most Perfectest Day

2009-09-06T16:08:00.015-04:00

Today was absolutely the most beautiful day - ever. The sky was clear and blue, it was cool and breezy, perfect for some outdoor fun.

First we visited the Massachusetts Horticultural Society in Wellesley, which was breathtakingly beautiful. The perfect place to spend time on this perfect day. We enjoyed a couple of hours in Weezie's Garden for Children, which features kid-sized birds nests, an awesome treehouse, a goldfish pond, and a huge sand pit where Bess decided to build a Fairy House.

We also checked out the formal garden and the herb garden. I am inspired to turn my backyard into a vegetative wonderland next summer!

The mom of one of Bess' sand pit playmates told us about the nearby Natick Community Organic Farm, so we decided to check that out as well.

We visited with cows, goats, sheep, chickens, turkeys and rabbits - and made a new friend named Miles. All in all, a great end to the summer.

Walden Pond Today

2009-09-05T16:37:00.019-04:00

We got to Walden Pond early this morning, really before it was warm enough to swim - not that it stopped us.

We decided to hike a bit until it warmed up, and we made it all the way around the pond (which was level but pretty far, I'd say 2 miles or so).

And we visited the site of the famous "house" - which was a room with a bed, desk, table and fireplace. They do have a replica of the house, but after all the swimming and hiking we did, all members of our party were way too tired to visit it.

The last time I was at Walden Pond was five, maybe six years ago. I read Walden while sitting on the shores of the lake enjoying the serene, beautiful setting and imagining what it must have been like to live in that tiny cabin. It was nice to visit and share the stories of Walden with my kids.

Close Quarters Parenting

2009-09-04T16:28:00.003-04:00

We just arrived in Boston, where we will be finishing the summer with a long weekend. The weather should be great, and we have some fun outings planned, including swimming in Walden Pond (Simplify, simplify) and playing in Weezie's Garden for Children.

However, the process of getting here was, as always, anything but simple and carefree. The kids spent the first hour of the trip screaming in the back seat, practically making my ears bleed and distracting John in heavy traffic. Then Bess kept taking off her seat belt and went into Repetitive Mode, where she just asked the same question 100 times without ever actually listening to the answer as far as I could tell. Harry screamed for awhile, then slept for a bit, and then screamed for the last 40 minutes of the ride after Bess woke him up for no apparent reason whatsoever.

Needless to say, these past several hours do not represent my finest parenting. I get a bit claustrophobic in the car, and a little car sick too, and I'm easily overstimulated by the noise. I still cannot figure out a way to get the kids to behave safely and have fun on long car trips. I try all manner of tactics, some qualifying as "positive parenting" and others decidedly not, but in the end I always expend a lot more energy than I'd like and don't really get very good results.

I am going to devote some time over the next few days to strategizing for the ride home. Perhaps while I'm soaking up some rays on the shores of the Pond, watching the kids splashing happily, some inspiration will hit. And, of course, I'm always open to suggestions....

Slugger

2009-09-02T18:54:00.004-04:00

So, I think I have an idea for a children's book.

Bess has a new friend in our yard that she named Slugger. He's a slug, in case you couldn't tell from his name. (Or her name, I'm not really sure how to tell the difference, or if such a difference even exists in slugdom.)

Anyway, she likes to watch him climb the wall and to inspect his slime trail. (It's kind of like watching grass grow, only slower.) I've finally convinced her not to touch him because it scares him (I think) and makes her hand gooey. Yesterday she left some corn husks out after helping me shuck our dinner, and when we got up in the morning he was dining away on them, so she moved him to a shady spot, left him some tasty leaves and checked on him periodically during the day.

So I was thinking - what a cute children's book it would be to have a little girl who loves slimy, slithery, and creepy-crawly things, and who teaches her parents all about how important they are!

Do I hear an illustrator out there???

Back From My Summer Sabbatical!

2009-09-02T11:11:00.004-04:00

There's something about summer, this summer in particular, that makes me lazy. Maybe it's the heat, or the lack of structure...but I'm feeling re-energized by the autumnal weather!

I've been doing some reading, and some thinking, and just trying to simplify my days. I've been hanging out with the kids, playing with the hose and the sprinkler in the backyard, spending time with friends, and enjoying the being-ness as opposed to the doing-ness. Well, mostly enjoying it - I can't say there haven't been moments of anxiety, of "I should be doing (fill in the blank) instead of sitting here doing nothing!" But I'm trying to learn to sit with them instead of giving in.

Anyway, I think I'm ready to start the fall, and school for Bess, and activities, and regular life with a fresher perspective. I hope so, anyway. I think I had a productive summer of working on me a bit.

How about you? How have you spent your summer?

Book Review - Aaaarrgghh! Spider! by Lydia Monks

2009-08-11T18:20:00.001-04:00

Aaaarrgghh! Spider! by Lydia Monks

My rating: 4 of 5 stars
This is Bess' current favorite book. She is always very concerned about the bugs who find their way into our house, and now she ushers them all "back to their families" with an "out you go"! She loves the spiderweb page and has been spending a lot of time recently trying to find dew be-sparkled webs in the morning. Very, very cute book.

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Book Review - A Child's Good Morning Book by Margaret Wise Brown and Karen Katz

2009-08-10T18:12:00.002-04:00

A Child's Good Morning Book by Margaret Wise Brown

My rating: 3 of 5 stars
My kids love Karen Katz books, and though this one is a little more wordy than what I would usually read to my little one (it's written by Margaret Wise Brown, you know, Goodnight Moon, Runaway Bunny) I think that the cheerful illustrations will hold his interest, especially with all the animals in the story who require sound effects - roosters, birds, horses, sheep, and buzzy bees. Lucky for all those animals that they live on such a pristine farm and can greet the morning with such cheer!

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Book Review - My Nose, Your Nose by Melanie Walsh

2009-08-09T17:53:00.001-04:00

My Nose, Your Nose by Melanie Walsh

My rating: 3 of 5 stars
This is another one of those books that's kind of contrived - I prefer when authors point out things like differences among people in a more organic way instead of cramming it down your throat. That said, this was a really cute book pointing out how people are the same and different. I like that is very simple and could be easily read to a very young child - it could almost be a board book (though my little guy is into eating books these days, so I probably won't get too close to him with my copy from the library!).

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